When You Don't See Me
by yourweaponisguilt
Summary: TAKES PLACE AT BEGINNING OF FROSTBITE What if Rose found herself falling back into dangerous habits and night terrors plagued her like a second skin? Can she save herself from the demons inside her while also dealing with her troubles with Dimitri, Adrian, and Mason? Worse yet, what happens with the darkness inside her threatens to come out? Rated M for language/violence
1. It's All Over But The Crying

Routine settled back in as the schools excitement came to an end. Viktor Dashkov was safely stowed away with high security keeping him far, far, away from Lissa and me. Lunch hour wasn't the same though anymore. The incessant chatter I'd grown painfully used to from Natalie was no longer there, a stressed reminder of what had happened. Everytime I close my eyes I can still see her face glaring down at me. Paler than bleached bones and with crimson tinged eyes that raked over my skin like a snake about to devour it's prey whole. I put on my brave face and went back to things like everyone else. I tried so hard to fall back into step with everyone else so no one would know what was really wrong with me. No one would even know the night terrors that taunted me every night or the stashed bottles of liquor in my computer desk. Back before we ran away I was a professional at hiding the smell of alcohol on me, it was the normal rebellious teen trying to get through life while coping with dangerous methods. It was dangerous, but I knew how to do it well and that skill came in handy now. My biggest worry is that Dimitri will notice. The man can see the smallest changes in me from miles away and I know he's the hardest to fool. I dread the fact that I have to lie to him, but that kiss we shared and that night with the lust charm….I knew we couldn't be together. It wasn't logical and it wouldn't fit in our lives once we graduated and were Lissa's guardians. I couldn't let him worry about me; I could take care of myself like I always did from the beginning. Take care of myself but always rememeber, they come first.

The blare of my alarm clock woke me out of my sleep as I struggled and tangled myself further into my sheets. Just another in a long line of nightmares was worming throughout my brain. Anytime I closed my eyes I could feel the monsters closing in on me and a hitch in my lungs told me I needed to wake up I needed to breath. The alarm couldn't have gone off at a better time. Six am bore down at me from the clock and I sprawled my limbs out to escape my tangles. Beads of sweat collected at my brow slowly rolling down the sides of my face. I lay motionless for just a few more moments to collect myself before trying to force my limbs into action. Fatigue wore down my body like an old shoe as I realized I'd only gotten three hours of sleep in total. Training would kick my ass today and I knew it was going to be a tough struggle to keep up my act. Not that it was any easier any other day, but its Friday and that's the worst knowing I'm so close to the freedom of the weekend. Well, freedom from classes, Dimitri still expected me to do a training lesson on Saturday and Sunday. With the worst hesition I swung myself up and out of bed towards my small closet to rummage for an outfit. The world spun slightly around me telling me to slow down but I pushed against the feeling and pulled out a pair of dark wash denim jeans ripped at the knees and a fitted black thermal. I'd already packed my work out clothes the night before and grabbed my gym and school bag heading for my door only to pause at the last moment.

Should I do it?

Do I want to test that limit today?

Fuck it, when has Rose Hathaway ever given a shit about what's a good or bad idea?

Back tracking to my computer desk I opened the bottom drawer and rustled around a few paper before digging out a 750ml of raspberry Stolichnaya and took a decent sized swig before recapping and hiding it once again. The room temperature vodka stung the whole way down my throat and I felt it settle in my stomach warming my entire body. The irony wasn't lost on me as I realized I was chugging premium Russian vodka before going to train with a premium Russian hottie. A dark laugh swelled in my throat and I looked over at my mirror to my left of me. My dark brown hair was a mess of unstable curls that framed my face like shadows. Not to mention my olive skin was paler than usual doing nothing to mask the shallow bags that rested under my eyes. With an exastberated sigh I pulled my hair up into a bun with the red scrunchie on my wrist and once more made my way to the door while popping a peppermint into my mouth. Today was going to be a long day.

The corridors were full of people laughing and going about their lives without a worry. I envied them more than I could really put into words. Making my way to the gym I found Dimitri standing by the outside door with his arms crossed. His chocolate brown hair was down and I found myself wanting to touch it. Wanting to feel his soft silky hair in between my calloused hands and wrap myself into his arms like nothing was wrong between us. I knew I couldn't though and the aching in my chest multipled as I met his eyes. I had a feeling I was forgetting something but I couldn't remember what.

"Are you ready for the trip?"

Shit. Fuck. Today was my makeup training test that I'd missed while I was out in the real world with Lissa. How had I forgotten? I suppose lack of sleep and copious amount of liquor can do that to your brain. It's a good thing I already had everything I needed in my gym bag or I would have been caught completely brainless.

"Yeah of course, lead the way Commrade."

I smiled in fake bravo and fanned my arm out for him to take me away. I heard a small chuckle from him as he spun around and headed towards the back door to the car lot. He led me to a medium sized black jetta and I felt a little miffed we couldn't drive something more fancy. I mean come on, it's a school full of rich moroi, and they couldn't give us a little bit of a fancier ride? Throwing myself into the passenger seat with my bag on my lap I found myself glad I had something to fiddle with to preoccupy myself with. I fear I'll spend the whole ride looking at Dimitri out the corner of my eye, antagonizing myself more. Things were normal between us; they weren't pained or stressed on the outside. He acted like nothing had ever happened between us but we still kept our friendly attitudes towards each other. I don't know if that makes it worse or better for me in the end though. All I can ever think about was him ontop of me while I was naked and I felt my fingers roam over his bare muscled skin. I could feel a blush creep over my face and I quickly shoved those thoughts away, that's really the last thing I need right now.

"So how long is this drive? It is a bit strange to have to be going somewhere for this test since everyone else takes them here on campus."

Shifting into gear the car took off slowly as Dimitri played around with the stereo to find a station.

"You know as well as I do Rose that you are not like everyone else."

He looked over at me with a small smirk and I swear my heart lept out of my chest. I never grow tired of his thick deep voice and accent. It hammered into my chest anytime I heard it.

"If I was would I be your favorite student? I don't think so."

I crossed my arms and made a pitiful face at him to try and tug on his heartstrings like he always did mine.

"No I suppose you're right. It's a five hour drive; a guardian has made an exception for you to give you this test so we are making the trip to see him."

Five hours was pretty long but I could have done even longer if it meant that much time alone with Dimitri. Things always felt different outside of Academy walls. I wasn't looking behind my back to make sure no one saw the way we were around each other. Viktor's words had beat paranoia deep into me. It was so obvious to Natalie and him that Dimitri and I had feelings for each other and that was a dangerous game to play. A teacher and student would be a huge scandal that I did not have the time to deal with right now. Finally finding a station Dimitri turned the music up enough to cover any awkward silence and I growned outwardly at the choice he made. His favorite 80s music filled the car and the synth sounds grinded hard on the small headache curled inside my head. If I had remembered that this was happening today I would have definitely lain off the alcohol last night but it was too late for that now. I could feel a lull in my body from the Stolichnaya still though and was grateful that it would soothe over any hangover for at least the next couple hours. With a small shuffle I remembered I still had a flask in the bottom of my gym bag inside one of my shoes and was momentarily relieved I could push myself through even more hours.

Three hours passed before we had to make a stop for gas. The trip had been quiet but comfortable and I slowly found myself starting to like some of the songs that played on the station. I would never admit it to Dimitri though, I still had my pride. As he made his way in to pay I pressed my head against the car window letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding. It was so hard to keep up my act around him and it was even harder to stay calm and hide how I still felt about him. It's a pity I wasn't a human, I would make a great actress out in the real world. Maybe one day I'll be good enough I can keep that stoic hardass calm that Dimitri pulls off so well. My mind zoned out and I felt myself losing track of where I am but I didn't let myself slip into Lissa's mind, I couldn't deal with any of the Academy's possible drama right now. A loud slam jerked me back into the real world and I felt like I almost jumped out of my skin.

"You okay Rose?"

Dimitri looked at me concerned and I settled back into my seat to put my mentally walls back up.

"Yeah I'm fine, just kinda zoned out for a moment."

I could tell he didn't believe me as he continued to look at me with the look, but after a moment he let it go and tossed me a bag from inside the store. I found a bag of chips and some advil upon opening it and gave him a quizzical but happy look.

"You look like you haven't slept, I figured you might need some and of course the chips because I know you like them."

He was holding back a smile but failing just slightly at it. For a second I let out a real smile, not one of the dozens I fake everyday. Something about him just gets me and I found that ache in my chest tighten. I opened my mouth to thank him and cringed once I heard how meek and small I sounded caught off guard.

"Th…thank you."

Why is it always so hard, why can't I just go back to being normal like everyone else? I know it's selfish to think they're all back to normal, I know they all still have their own demons, Lissa being the worst with hers besides me, but she had Christian to keep her sane. I was bobbing and weaving just under the surface of a rough ocean just to keep my head level with the surface. Anytime I found myself finally reaching the top and breaking the water I was gasping for air before another wave took me back under. I read in a textbook once that this was a classic symptom of depression, but I don't want to believe it. I've always been the strong one, the one who keeps everyone else safe and okay, how could I be the one that's losing it? That's just not right and I refuse to believe it. I'm just faultering that's all, it's a small misstep and before I know it I'll be top of my game again making my smart ass comments and being a pain in everyones ass and then saving them all in the blink of an eye.

Before I knew it we were at a mansion nestled in the hills of a small town and the car rolled to a stop. I decided I should probably ask who I'm even meeting before going in to see them.

"So who is giving this test? Looks like a damn nice place they've got."

Dimitri looked over at me with a smirk and I felt my stomach churn. That's too mischevious of a look to be able to trust him. Am I really going to regret this?

"Arthur Schonenberg"

I'm sure the look on my face is priceless I can feel my jaw slacken immediately at the name. Arthur Schonenberg is the best goddamn guardian in the world. Dimitri may be a god, but Arthur is a legend. How in the hell was I going to be able to defeat this guy in a test? I instantly regret drinking and not getting any sleep last night and I'm sure my face was like I just saw someone kill a puppy.

"Don't worry Rose, he's not that scary. Plus if you impress Art, you'll be getting the best marks out of anyone."

Even worse, Dimitri was friends with Arthur. Could this day get any worse? I found myself begrudgingly shuffling out of the car tugging my thermal over my hands and wobbling over the thick ice in the driveway.

"Have these people never heard of salting? This place is a goddamn disaster waiting to happen."

I grumbled as my foot almost slipped under me before Dimitri caught my arm then his emotions shifted entirely. His face was now cold and calculating as he looked up at the house and at the land around it. His grip on my arm was tightly than I would like but I didn't question it. I was happy for a small moment feeling him touching me, even if it was through several layers of clothing.

"Rose. Get back in the car and do not come back out until I am back."

His voice was dark and commanding and he looked down at me with a stern look that simply said do no question me right now. I wanted to fight him on it but I knew it was a losing battle before I even tried so I just nodded me head and as his hand let go of me I found my way slowly back to the car, careful not to slip again. His eyes stayed trained on me until I was back and quietly shutting the car door. Then he took off at a steady pace towards the house and disappeared in the front door with a look of caution heavy on his face. I waited for several minutes in silence and felt myself antsy and squirming around in my seat. Was I really going to just sit here and wait like a good girl? No I wasn't. I looked tentitivaly towards the house then decided I would sneak around the back and try to find Dimitri. With one last sigh knowing I was doing probably the worst option, I dropped my bag in my seat and made my way through the snow to the back of the house.


	2. The Killing Moon

_Your friendly writer here just wanting to let you know most chapters from here out I'll tell you a song that goes along with it if you want something to listen to while reading it. This chapters song is The Killing Moon by Echo And The Bunnymen. Review and let me know what you think!_

The snow was up to my lower calf and I pushed onward trying to be as discreet as possible. I knew Dimitri would be pissed no matter what that I didn't listen to him but I wanted to delay the punishment as long as possible. The Vodka was wearing off but no headache took its place thanks to the Advil working its way through my system. As I rounded the side of the house I noticed something shining from in the snow and bent down. My fingers clasped around the hilt of a stake and I wasn't sure what to think. Who would just leave this here? Stakes are so valuable to us so this made no sense at all. Continuing forward I reached the back door and saw a patio door smashed. Glass was everywhere and the inside of the house was dark and quiet. Did I really want to go into this? I looked brazenly around just barely putting my head in the now empty door frame. There was no Dimitri in sight but a thick sick smell crept in towards me and I pushed my body forward inside. As my eyes adjusted to the dark I immediately regretted my decision to come inside. A woman was sitting in a chair in the room but she wasn't moving and I knew the smell was coming from over there. Creeping closer I realized her throat was ripped wide open for display. The muscles under her skin were sliced like ribbons and her eyes shone like glass against a small glare of light that reached inside. My stomach turned into a flip and I thought I was about to throw up those chips when I felt someone grab my arm. If he hadn't had such a tight grip on my arm I'm sure I would have jumped a foot high in fear.

"Rose I told you to stay in the car, if they were still here you would be dead."

Dimitri growled into my ear but my eyes never left the woman's corpse. I felt Dimitri slowly pry the stake out of my hand and say something but I couldn't hear his words. Just then I realized she wasn't the only corpse in the room. Looking further over there were several bodies in different spots, all massacred and left out. Then I saw the form of a Dhampir man against a wall further down towards the hall.

"Schoenberg. How? How did they kill him he's a legend! Oh god. How will we ever stop them if they can take down someone like him?"

Panic shot up inside of me and I tried my hardest not to fall to my knees. Dimitri was now on his phone calling someone but I couldn't hear the words as I stayed glued to all the bodies. As if I didn't already have enough nightmare fuel in my life, this gave me a one way ticket to sleeping hell. In what only felt like minutes an entire Dhampir SWAT team descended upon the house and began working their way through everything and looking for evidence.

The world settled around me in a haze as I stood in the back of the house pressed against the farthest wall. Vaguely I heard words being said between the guardians about humans breaking the wards on the house with the stake I'd found. Why would humans work with the Strigoi? I tried to focus on everything around me but I felt my sanity faltering as I stared down the corpses now surrounded by guardians. I faintly noticed them all moving to a room in the back and I closed my eyes. I didn't need to go with them to remember what was back there. Another Moroi had been slaughtered while in the shower. Their perfect porcelain tile shower paled in violent comparison to the blood splatter that had dried on the tile. Their bodies had lain here undiscovered for at least a couple days but not long enough for them to fully start to decay. Eyes still closed I mentally roamed over all the carnage I'd seen knowing I'd be seeing it for months after this in my dreams. I wasn't going to escape any of my problems any time soon. I felt warm hands slide around my cheeks and faintly heard a voice saying my name.

"Rose? Rose…we should leave they've got everything taken care of now."

Opening my eyes I found myself staring straight into his kind deep brown eyes and felt his concern radiate over me. I can only imagine how awful I look, it's a miracle he hasn't called me on it. There's no way to keep my guard up with him after taking this blow.

"Okay, let's go Comrade."

My voice was soft and cracked in the slightest. He took me by the hand and lead me back out front to the car from the back and I felt myself blush in the slightest feeling his fingers intertwined with mine. Was it wrong to cherish something this small while being surrounded by death? I needed this small moment to badly I almost didn't even realize it until it happened. My entire body ached for Dimitri and every fiber of my being sang when he touched me. I winced when our hands parted as he went to the drivers' seat and I settled back into the passengers' seat. I glanced at the clock on the car stereo and realized it was already one pm meaning we'd make it back to the Academy around six in the afternoon. I'd still have plenty of time before anyone back there would be up and about. I didn't know what Dimitri would expect though, knowing him he could still want to do a training session since I didn't accomplish anything in this trip except finding a crime scene.

We settled back into a comfortable silence on the drive back and it didn't take me too long to fall asleep in my seat. The dream world was dark and full of shadows and bright moonlight parting them. I found myself walking across the courtyard in the Academy and looked down to see myself wrapped in a dark blue velvet dress that fell to my bare feet. With no sleeves I was open to the breeze that ripped through the air. Everything was dead silent and I could see no one around me as I padded sluggishly across the concrete. My body felt languid and heavy like I'd drank too much but my eyes could still see crystal clear as I looked desperately for someone or something. Peace like this doesn't last long in my dreams and I knew something was going to happen at any moment. With a small cry escaping my throat I wished frantically I was back in my body and awake in the car. I don't want to be here. I never want to be here. I wish I didn't need to sleep it would make everything so much easier. I wouldn't have to fight my own body so hard if that was possible.

A scream erupted from across the courtyard and I felt my feet freeze in panic. What the fuck was that? Loud thudding echoed along with it and I began to notice bodies piled up on the edges of the building. Should I run would that be enough to get me out this time? Throwing myself around, I found my legs painfully running backwards as I heard a menacing laugh growing behind me. With a backwards glance I saw a strigoi coming towards me. He was well over six feet tall with stringy shoulder length black hair and his face was the shade of a white that portrayed true death. If he was close enough I would bet his eyes would be the worst thing I've ever seen but I didn't want to let him get that close and I hurtled myself into the nearest door and came stumbling into the school and kept running, running, running. I faintly felt rocks dug deeply into the soles of my feet but I couldn't stop. The lights in the building flickered and I felt the strigoi getting closer, I just knew it. Looking back once more I stopped for a moment against my brains screaming and looked around for the monster frantically. My hands were trembling and my head was twirling in fear. I don't want to wait for this I know I don't, so I take off back straight ahead. My body doesn't go forward though. My airway is closing and my eyes are bugging out of my head. Looking down I realize the strigoi is in front of me with a death grip on my neck. Feet dangling above the ground I kick about trying to break free but I'm trapped, he's got me like a rat in a trap. Gasping out I feel him drop me and crash to the floor surround by a soft blue ocean. Just as I look up to see his horrible face his hands descend upon me again and both grab my head and I hear a horrifying crack as my vision goes black with him snapping my neck.

My body flies forward as I let out a scream so loud the windows in the car could almost shake.

"ROZA! ROZA CALM DOWN!"

I hear his worried voice envelope me and feel arms reaching out to grab me but I'm pressed back against the car door, eyes wide open in fear desperately looking around me for the monster. There is no monster no matter how hard I look though, just Dimitri looking at me in fear. I can feel my arms shaking with no plans to stop and force myself to relax a bit reaching out to grab his hand that's still thrust out towards me. Not even he can stop the shaking but I feel safe knowing he has me and the nightmare is over. Looking around outside the car I realize we're back at the academy sitting in the parking lot but thankfully no one is around to see my breakdown besides Dimitri. His free hand pets my hair softly as he stares down at me and I feel guilty wrap around me knowing how concerned he is for me. My body comes to a slow and the shaking stops. Seeing me settle Dimitri lets me go and gets out of the car and I stop for a moment wondering if I should get out and follow him. I don't have the time to even make a move to get out because he's opening my door and picking me up into his arms. I don't say anything but instead relax into his chest and look past his arms at the sky as he carries me into the building.


	3. Let Me Out

_Thank you for reading this far! I'm really excited to be finally writing this story out it's something I've been kicking around for a while. Hope you all like the story! The song for this chapter is Let Me Out by The Veronicas. Next chapter will be posted tomorrow!_

Sunset is only a couple hours away but the sun still blares in a cloudless sky down on us and for a moment I enjoy the warmth the daylight brings before he gets in the back door and I'm shut back into the cold fluorescent environment. Looking at the rooms we pass I realize he's going towards the usually empty parlor room back behind the gym rooms. Before I know it he's in the room and setting me down on a lounge chair near a window and I'm glad to feel the suns presence on my skin again. Crouching down beside me he looks at me with knowing eyes and I know I can't get out of things as easily as I would have hoped.

"Why are you looking at me like that? It makes me feel so guilty."

I try to laugh lightly to brush off the serious look in his eye but his brows only furrow even more in frustration knowing what I'm trying to do.

"Roza…"

That pain in my chest came back hearing his nickname for me. I knew I was in for trouble already; he only calls me Roza when he's feeling compassionate towards me. Though this time I knew it was more worried than compassion but I feel like they're both the same thing anymore when it comes to me for him. I want so badly to reach out and brush the fallen strands of hair out of his face, to touch his skin lightly and stroke my thumb along his soft cheek and tell him it's nothing. Tell him it's just a rough day, wouldn't that make sense with all that's happened at the house? Would that be an excuse he'd accept? I feel so awful having to lie to him but what choice do I have anymore, I can't worry him like this; it's not his job to care about me. I never come first. The silence between us was heavy and full of static charge as he looked at me expectantly and I ran mentally over the best thing to say.

"It was just a nightmare Dimitri. Can you blame me after what we just saw? I don't know why you're overreacting."

He studied me for a moment and I knew my lie fell short. He knew I wasn't telling the whole truth. That's what counts though, it was a partial truth. The nightmare was partly based on the bodies in the house and the best lies are ones based on partial truths. I watched his eyes roam acros every inch of my face looking for a tell and it felt like hours had past before he made his move. I prepared myself for the blow, for the chastising and speech about how he expects more from me, for me to be better than this. Stronger than this.

"Rose…I know you're not telling me everything. I won't sit here and make you feel bad about it, I know that's counterproductive. I just want you to know that you don't have to do this alone, whatever this is. I am here for you and I always will be no matter. If something is wrong with you please tell me and I will help you. I know you like to be the tough one and not show any weakness, but you can't be like that all the time."

His words felt like a punch in the gut as they set in. Is he really that accepting? I want to throw myself in my arms and spill every awful thought and dream that haunts me. I want to pile all my drinks and pills in his lap and have him take them far away from me. I want to be free from this burden and share the weight with him. What I want and what I can do are so different though. I can't put that upon him. I can't burden him with something that doesn't belong to him and I don't belong to him, no matter how much I want that. A rough lump formed in the base of my throat and I knew the tears wanted out of me but I swallowed them whole, I can't let him see me weak. I don't want him to know I'm this weak. I can't let anyone know that I feel this weak.

"I know Dimitri and thank you. It means the world..."

Pausing for emphasis I feel my arm reach out and rest on his broad shoulder.

"But I told you, it was just a nightmare, I'm just tired."

I put on my bravest smile hoping he'd accept my words. He'll still know I'm hiding something but he won't even begin to think it's as bad as it really is. There's no way he could see that far inside of me even with how well we fell into sync. Tracing my hand up to his face I rested it on his cheek and felt his hand fall deftly on top of mine. For a moment that was all that mattered. My skin felt like pins where it touched his and my stomach felt weightless looking in each others eyes with just that small contact. Then without wanting to hear any reply he made I retracted my hand and made my way up and towards the door. Hopefully he gives me this simple exit. This easy retraction back into my shadow filled world without having to drag him into it with me. Yet again, when do I ever get simple? Feeling a hand quickly clasp around my wrist I was whirled around and into Dimitri arms. What is he doing?

I didn't even have the time to think before I felt it. His soft lips landing roughly on mine as his free hand cups my face. Giving in I feel myself kissing back, giving into the want that aches inside my body so badly. I want this moment to never end, to never leave Dimitri's arms. In between breaths I can smell his aftershave and the smoothness of his face against mine. I don't think I'll ever grow tired of the smell. Then without warning it was over. He pulled away and let go of my face. Looking at his face I looked for some sign of how he was feeling. Part of me hoped for a joyous look, something that meant he truly wanted to do that, to taste how I felt. Instead he looked confused, smiling, but confused.

"I'm sorry Roza…I don't…I don't know what came over me. Don't ever forget that I do care about you. You worry so bad sometimes I fear I'll have to kick down a wall in protest. I don't mean to lead you on. You know this…this can't happen and I do too."

His voice was pained and I understood the confusion finally. This was the same old same old argument that it always was. We couldn't be together even if we wanted too. There were too many complications, too many chords wrapped around us waiting to snap and drop us to the vipers. How do I even reply to that? There is no reply in the world that can convey how I feel. Just giving a grim nod and an equally pained nod I turn back and leave. Head down I make my way back to my dorm trying to choke back the tears that have finally risen. Fuck, I am so grateful that everyone is still asleep. Glancing up out the windows beside me I can see that the sun is nearing the horizon and the sky is a peach and cream colored dream dancing around tangerine oranges.

Within only ten minutes I'm back in my room and hear my computer dinging just as I'm about to close the door. I drop my bags and see just what the fuss is only to see an email from Kirova telling me I'm dismissed from today's classes because of the sudden change of events today. Never in my life have I been so happy to get a letter from that old crone. Going back and locking my dorm door I snake my hand back into my bottom desk drawer and pull out my trusty bottle, I wasn't going anywhere near sleep again unless I could chase away the dreams with enough alcohol to knock out a Clydesdale horse.

I'd never been so happy that I'd had those two years in the real world as I dug through my cds I had collected and threw in a mixed cd on my computer and played it as loud as I could get away with. Since I had no windows in my room I didn't know what the time was but I was sure a couple hours had already passed as I drew a bathtub full of peach bubble fizz and slid in with my vodka bottle sitting just beside me on the floor. Everything seemed to be through rose tinted glasses the more I drank and I was finally feeling more at peace. The scalding heat of the water bore against my skin and unknotted all my muscles that didn't even realize were stiffer than a piece of plywood. Slipping into Lissa's mind I wondered if they were in classes yet only for that to be confirmed when I saw her sitting in Slavic Art. How many hours have already passed? Slavic is our last class of the day I must have zoned out even more than I thought.

Lissa and Christian were whispering to each other about the rumors already circulating about the murders of the Badica family. I suppose a rumor isn't the right word though, everything they were saying was true. None of their words could ever compare to the horror of seeing the actual murders though, I could still see the tendons shred to ribbons and the drying blood everywhere. I was too drunk to listen to this again so I forced myself back out of her head and sunk a little lower into my bathtub feeling the bubbles rise just above my chin. Adjusting back to being in my own head I heard a new song click over on the cd and laughed out loud to myself at the irony of the song playing. Soft guitar playing envelopes me and I reach down to take another large swig of my vodka and lay my head back on the tub edge and stare at the ceiling panels through a blur as tears leak effortless from my eyes.

 _I can't take the blame_

 _I can't take the pain_

 _If you're gonna let me down_

 _Just do it now, just let me down_

All the pain I was numbing seized back in my chest and I let out a pitiful rough sob as the tears wracked my body. Is it always going to be this painful? Am I just not strong enough to hold it together through this? I'm supposed to be so much stronger than this and here I am falling apart. What was it Lissa said about using physical pain to let out the emotion pain? I'd never understood it before but in this moment it makes sense. The pain inside of me is raging like a hurricane and I can't escape the rising brutal waves as they bear down on my back.

 _And I can't run if you're coming on to me_

 _And I can't hide when you've got what's left of me_

 _You leave it unsaid_

 _It's all in my head,_

 _We're better off dead_

I wanted to hesitate I wanted to think I was stronger than that. Lissa is so fragile its okay if she slips and does these things, its okay for her to be weak. I can't be weak when someone else's life depends solely on mine. What if I don't want this life anymore though? I know it's so selfish to think like this. It's the most selfish thing in the world and it hurts like hell to know that Lissa does this even but I understand exactly why now. There are no sharp objects near me though, how do I let out this pain? Fight. That's what I do best. Before I know it I'm swinging but instead of aiming at an enemy I'm aiming straight at myself I feel my small fists pounding into my body and I'm so caught up in the thrashing and adrenaline I can't even feel the pain. Tub water is splashing everywhere and peach colored bubbles are floating into the air as I keep punching and punching at my own body. I don't know how much time passes but suddenly all the pent up angry in my body is drained and I feel calm once again and settle into the now half empty tub. My body aches and shows swelling angry red marks but I can barely feel them. I feel the smile creeping upon my face though. It feels insane to smile after doing something like this but it feels so right. All my anger is drained and I almost feel momentarily at peace.

 _I can't take the blame_

 _I can't take your pain_

 _If you're gonna let me down_

 _Just do it now, let me down_

Pushing my sore body from the tub I grab my towel and throw it over the sopping wet floor and grab my bottle before walking back into my room and throw on flannel pj bottoms and a black tank top without even drying off. With a last swig at my now half empty vodka I push it back into its hiding place and belly flop onto my mattress and black out into a peaceful dreamless sleep; a rare and magnificent wonder in my world anymore.


	4. Red Lips

_Sorry it took me a little longer to write this one I wanted to add more to it than I had planned, hopefully I'll have the next chapter up later tonight. The song for this chapter is Red Lips DSL Remix by Sky Ferreria from the VA Movie Soundtrack :)br /Next chapter will be a lot longer and have them finally at the Ski Lodge and introduce Adrian!_

Pounding on my door woke me with a fright and I found myself squirming out of my bed despite the pained protest of my body. Who the hell is waking me up and do I even want to know what time it is? Glancing down at my damp clothing I figure I should probably change before answering my door.

"HOLD ON CHANGING CLOTHES!"

My voice is rough but more so just exasperated. The person starts gently rapping along to the tune of a song on my door and I sigh loudly digging through my clothes pile on the floor before pulling on my same clothes from yesterday. Not like anyone will notice I only saw Dimitri anyways. Making my way to the door while pulling on ankle boots I throw open the door with a scowl only to see Manson leaning on my door frame, arms crossed, and looking at me with a cute smirk. My scowl softened and I made another loud sigh while lightly punching him in the shoulder.

"What do you want lady killer?"

"Ooooh you know me so well Rose. Everyone's was wondering where you were since you weren't in class but Dimitri told us not to bother you so we kept a distance. Have you heard the big news?"

The joyous look on his face threw me off a bit; he can't possibly be talking about the news of the murders.

"If you're talking about the murders then I have and I'm confused as to why you're smiling."

Crossing my arms I gave him a look of worry and tried to not think of the bodies again.

"I'm not that twisted, no, I mean about the ski trip to Idaho."

My look must have alerted him to the fact I hadn't heard of it. Since when did the school take us all on ski trips? Especially when there's a group of deranged Strigoi murderers out slaying whole families, I can't imagine they'd want to transport us all.

"Since the murders happened no one feels safe letting the kids leave the school for break on their own with their families. Their solution of course, is to have us all go to a private protected Moroi ski lodge that way the kids can still see their families and all. Can you imagine? We're going to be living like royalty for the entire vacation!"

He could barely hide the giddy tone of his voice and I could already tell he was dreaming of slopes and one upping me on tricks. Maybe this is exactly what I need. A trip away from the school and classes, just having fun and hanging out with my friends all day would be the perfect distraction. I wouldn't have time to sulk and fall into my funks if I had no pressure on my back. Maybe things are finally going to get better. Linking arms with Manson we make our way down to the lunchroom for dinner and I quickly find myself falling back into a more normal pattern with everyone after explaining how I was at the Badica house and just needed the day off to sleep, which they all understood and went right back into talking about the ski trip.

"Hey my Aunt is arriving here later tonight and I figured we could all have a bonfire on the back of the grounds and just relax and talk."

Christian was looking at us all with a smile hoping we would all agree and with a nudge from Mason I gladly echoed a sure back with everyone else. I didn't really want to agree but this is what normal teenagers do. They hangout with friends on the weekends and have bonfires and are social. If I want to pull myself out of this, this is exactly what I need. Dinner passed quickly with all the conversations filling the time and I found myself wandering back off with Mason towards the gym to find out if I still had my training lessons. Nothing could ever prepare me for what I was about to see. A group walked in the back door and I saw a blue of ginger red curls and saw the one person I didn't want to see for a long time ever again.

I don't think she even really saw me, not that she ever really did. How many times had I even seen her in my life? A handful perhaps? If even that, I shirked to myself. Janine Hathaway and a group of other guardians made their way into the gym and I decided all at once I no longer wanted to go in there. I can't face that right now, not when I'm finally trying to find myself again and remain calm. Mason stood beside me confused but I just unlinked my arm and told him I'd see him later. Giving me a pitiful smile he waved and walked off with his hands in his pocket. Agh. Another things to add to my growing list of problems I don't have the effort to deal with; Mason's huge crush on me. Standing there I still was unsure of what to do, if all the guardians were in there than I'm sure Dimitri was too, but there was no way in Hell I'm going to deal with her right now. Turning on my heel I slammed face first into someone and started to fall backwards before they grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me back up effortlessly.

"Ah, Rose. Just the person I was looking for. Training lessons for tonight are cancelled and tomorrow we'll just do the morning lesson and then that'll be it since we'll all be leaving for the ski trip."

Dimitri looked down at me amused and I distinctly realized his hand was still holding my wrist and blushed. He noticed then dropped my arm but didn't stop looking at me with a soft smile. Only his smiles could make me body feel as warm as vodka burn. I lived for those smiles most days. Only his laugh could make me feel even better, but those were even rarer to catch. I played my role and gave him a small glimmering smile before taking a step back once realizing I was practically still standing less an inch from him.

"That's exactly what I was coming here to ask before I saw…"

I trailed off and found my eyes looking towards the gym door knowing my worst personal enemy was just beyond the doors. Somehow knowing exactly what I meant he began a slightly hesitant speech.

"Ah then I guess you know she's here now. Since the threat is so bad they've had to call in extra guardians to help us on the trip. You shouldn't hold such a grudge against her, you know. She just did what she thought she had to, would you have rather her not given you to the Academy? You wouldn't be able to be a guard if she hadn't and that's what you want the most isn't it? I know it's hard for you to know how to talk to her even, but give her a chance Rose. Don't fight so hard against everyone."

Part of me knows he's right but the very angry rebellious part of me wants to vomit at just the thought of forgiving Janine and being civil with her. Why would I want to be civil with the woman who abandoned me and never even bothered to ever visit? Just because she's my mother gives her no right to be involved in my life when she's made no actions to actively be a part of it before. Unless you count the disapproving telegrams she's taken to sending as of late whenever I displease her. Those were more to protect her image I'm sure. Just the horrid Rose Hathaway tainting the Hathaway namesake and she couldn't have that happening. I feel a vicious snarl spread across my face and look up at Dimitri trying to hold it back but it's no use all I can feel is the anger building inside of me again. The little dark clouds hanging above me must be building up a hell of a storm but I had to control them. I had to keep myself from slipping again. At least so I don't have a fit here in the middle of the school and in front of Dimitri.

"You don't know what it's like."

With that lone sentence I push past Dimitri and make my way back to my dorm practically stomping the entire way before slamming my door and grabbing the watch off my desk. Thirty minutes to midnight and everyone was going to be gathering for the bonfire at midnight. Knowing I'd be meeting someone new I should probably put on a not already worn cruddy outfit and began shuffling through my closet for an outfit that would be warm but also casually nice. At least fifteen minutes passed before I settled on something and found myself looking in the mirror to make sure I looked presentable. Black fleece leggings, a fitted gold long sleeved sweatshirt with Portland emblazoned on it and black knee high boots. Not a bad choice to impress but I just felt like something was missing. Glancing at my night table I grabbed for a cheap bright red lipstick I'd gotten at a drug store. The shade was called Rose Rush and I almost laughed thinking it was the most perfect lipstick in the world for me as I glanced once more at my watch just to realize I had five more minutes to get to the bonfire. Looking into the mirror I ran a finger over my chewed at and slightly scabbed lips before thickly laying on the red lipstick to cover them to look perfect. With a last look in the mirror I realized I cleaned up pretty damn well even in a rush. Throwing open my door about to sprint I rand face first into Mason with his hand up about to knock.

"Whoa there, want to slow down or are you trying to take off without me?"

Laughing he pulled me back and gave me a slow once over with his eyes.

"Hey there sleaze, I can see you checking me out why don't you take a picture it'll last you a lot longer when you're alone in the bathrooms."

Laughing I grabbed his arm and started taking off towards the back doors and we rushed out to meet everyone knowing we'd surely be the last ones to get there. Half way through the lawn I was grateful I'd chosen a sweatshirt as the wind picked up and blew my hair every different direction, the one small flaw to having ridiculously long hair.

Everyone was already laughing and talking to each other when we sheepishly plopped down next to an open spot beside Christian and Lissa. Looking over my heart froze seeing Dimitri. I would have never imagined he would be here, let alone laughing and smiling in semi casual clothing.

"Rose already got you running on Rose time Mason? This is my Aunt Tasha you guys."

Christian pointed over at the woman besides Dimitri and after both of us telling her hello I took a moment to look her over. She's strikingly beautiful like most moroi, with long silky black hair and icy blue eyes just like Christian. The only difference was a patch of raised pink scars on her cheeks that would horribly obvious, but even they couldn't distract from her beauty. In a way they actually added to it, she had her own trademark look that made it obvious she was a fighter. I could respect that, though I couldn't respect the way she was leaned in towards Dimitri cooing over him in conversation and making it quite obvious she wanted him. While they wandered back off into their own conversation I tried to stay preoccupied with Lissa, Mason, and Christians conversations. The words all but fell on deaf ears though as I spent the entire night forcing myself not to look at Dimitri, wanting to pull him away from Tasha and cling to him showing that he was mine first.

That thought pained me as I realized he was never mine and he probably never will be. How could I be so foolish to even think so? No amount of bright red lipstick in the world could make me compare to her. She could give him everything he'd probably ever want. She could give him a family and they could genuinely be together. I couldn't give him either of those. I felt my stomach form knots again and found myself wishing I'd brought my flask with me. I noticed my legs wiggling at the thought and realized I was starting to feel withdrawals already. Pulling me out of my thought I heard the flick of a lighter and looked over to realize Christian was lighting a cigarette and I felt a need to replace one demon temporarily with another.

"Sparky mind sparing one?"

With a shrug he threw me the pack and the lighter and I caught them with ease though my hands were slightly shaking with tremors. Pulling through the foil I found myself smoking like an old pro even if it'd been two years since I'd had one. Throwing them back I caught a glimpse of Dimitri giving me a disapproving glare. He isn't on duty right now, not like he can get me in trouble for it, this is a gathering of friends. I could feel a tug through the bond of Lissa sharing an equal disapproval but she couldn't say anything without starting a fight with Christian too. Minus the indiscretion the conversations started back up and before we knew it the sky was turning a light grey signaling the vampire day was over and we headed back into the building. Parting ways Mason and I got back to my dorm and I found us awkwardly standing there to part goodbyes.

He wants to kiss me, that's what this is. This is how normal people do this, they say goodbye and part with a kiss when they like each other. Do I like Mason like that though? I mean he's cute and he's funny and he really cares about me but anytime my mind starts to wander it's not Mason that I'm thinking of, it's Dimitri. It seems he has Tasha now though; he's trying to move on and let me go. Without too much hesitation I lean over and kiss Mason on the cheek before whispering a goodbye watching his face grow red from my move.

Once inside my dorm I found my body rattling with exhaustion and crawled into bed sill clothed and passed out feeling the shadows creep down upon my body, wrapping around my skin like a snake waiting for the perfect moment to start slowly squeezing the life out of me. As I faded into the black I found the same dream world unraveling as the one on the night of the Badicas. Bare feet padding across the courtyard shuffling under a silky blue velvet dress and the dead silence. And then the bodies, the shredded mutilated bodies stacked in piles on the edge of building and then he stepped out from the shadows. The monster that's decided to haunt me, standing tall and looming down at me with his demon ringed eyes. That's when I began to run, again, knowing that it didn't matter how fast I ran he would always find me and I would always die.


	5. The Mercy Seat

_I'm so grateful for those of you who left reviews thank you so much! I know I said they'd get to the ski resort/Adrian would be introduced in this chapter but I added a huge scene with Dimitri instead so next chapter will be resort/Adrian! Since this one came out long there's two songs both by Nick Cave that go with them and the first is The Mercy Seat and then Nobody's Baby Now. Hope you guys all enjoy! I'll have next chapter up ASAP_

Practice came earlier than I wanted as I rolled out of bed shuffling out of my clothes from yesterday straight into my workout clothes. Grabbing my shoes I heard the drop of the flask that was nestled halfway in the shoe. Glancing down at my watch seeing I had fifteen minutes to get there and thinking once more of Tasha snuggled up on Dimitri's shoulder last night I unscrewed the cap and chugged whatever was left inside of it. The smell of honey hit me before the burn and I cringed realizing it was old honey whiskey. Not my first choice at all but it was a gift that Eddie had traded me for the answers to last week's calculus test and I'm never one to waste the alcohol I can get. Not worrying about needing my bag anymore I took off down the halls rushing towards the gym to try and save my ass from getting the 'you're late' speech for the millionth time.

Slamming the gym door open I came face to face with the last person I was expecting to have to deal with today. Curly ginger hair pulled into a tight bun and in a bland workout outfit stood Janine Hathaway in all her glory and she was giving me an awkward stare.

"Where's Dimitri?"

My tone was rude and I tried to be formal but that was clearly not my forte. Shuffling into a stiff and not pleased stance Janine crossed her arms and cocked her head at me.

"Guardian Belikov is sleeping in he had to go on a shopping trip with Ms. Ozera and didn't get back until late. I've been asked to take over your training lesson for today and if you'd like to cut the attitude we can get straight to work."

Glancing around I looked for the dummies that Dimitri had me working on the past few weeks and I wondered just what Janine had planned for today's lesson.

"And just what is today's lesson? I was practicing staking with Dimitri."

I made sure to annunciate Dimitri's name nice and slow just to agitate her and she rolled her eyes with a cold glare.

"We're going to be sparing, if you want to keep acting like you want to fight me then I figured why not give you the chance to try. It's obvious you're not going to even try to have a civil conversation with me until you get this out of the way."

She was a good three inches shorter than me but glowered at me with the confidence of someone nearly a foot taller than me and I paced towards her holding myself up straight to try and mimic just an ounce of that confidence back at her. A nagging voice in the back of my head was still echoing back her words that Dimitri had been out the rest of all last night with Tasha but I wouldn't let that distract me from finally getting to get a shot in at my so called mother. We began the stance back and forth each of us anticipating for the other to make the first move.

Her eyes still looked at me but I could tell they were softer than they were just a moment ago. Perhaps she actually wanted to be kind towards me but as she reached out the first strike and nailed me square in the shoulder I realized this is sure as hell not the moment to be debating the intentions of my frigid mother. We continued and I got a few equal shots back in at her and even kicked her feet from under her and watched her drop but she was back up with the grace of a swan but lethal moves of a Burmese tiger.

"Is this what you consider quality family bonding time? Maybe next time you can call up dad and the two of you can fist fight me and we can see who the best of us really is."

The words shot out of my mouth before I even knew and I mentally cursed myself for my attitude. I didn't regret the words though, they needed to be said. I have no idea who my father is and if it was up to her I'm sure I never will know. Any trace of softness in her eyes steeled over into cold and calculating and I knew I'd hit a real nerve with her. My mouth was a million miles ahead of me though and I was ready for my next verbal strike out.

"Don't even go there with me."

She spoke out through gritted teeth and I knew she was really giving it her all to keep from decking me right there.

"Why? Don't like the topic? I've never known you to be afraid of anything. Are you afraid of him? Did he break your poor little heart? Is that why you're such a cold hearted bitch because I'm sure-"

My words were cut off as I saw her arm swing back and a gloved fist come barreling at my face. The impact was so forceful I felt my body go backwards towards the ground and the eye was immediately swelling. I could here her voice and the blur of her standing over me panicked but a ringing was echoing through my ears and I could barely see through the tears of my clear eye and the swollen haze of the one she'd struck. Suddenly I felt my world spin downwards and my eyes lulled backwards as I blacked out with the last thing I heard being the ringing and my name being screamed over and over like a broken record. My last conscious thought was the fear that I would be sent straight into that nightmare dream world once again, that I was being sent straight back into the Strigoi's arms for him to chase me and snap my neck over and over and over again.

I was wrong. I didn't go anywhere. All that there was, was black. No dreams. No nightmares. No thoughts. There was just a blank span of time where I just didn't exist. I couldn't feel my body and I couldn't hear anything outside of body. If this is what being dead is like I don't know if I'm afraid or ready for it.

Waking up was different. The blare of bright fluorescent lights bore down on me like I was near the face of the sun. I could feel my heart beating in the front of my face and I wanted to scream out in pain but my throat was dry and raw so I just sat there blankly looking up at the light trying to adjust. My right eye was clear and focused on every detail but I quickly understood that my left eye was still fucked as everything had an angelic glow to it like something was clouding my vision. I distinctly became aware of someone holding onto my hand and looked over to see him sitting there holding it. Looking down at our hands intertwined I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. It was almost like he was helping a sick child my hand was so small compared to his but it was just as rough. We both had the hands of fighters and that's just another reason I wanted to cry, we were so much alike, so great for each other in comparison but fate played this cruel trick on us.

"Roza…we need to talk once we're out of here."

His voice was commanding as it always was when we were around others but his eyes shone down on me with an obvious care. I was missing something here. Something that I should realize but I hadn't. Why was I in for the speech when Janine was the one to slam me into another century? Shouldn't she be the one getting the talk? Looking around the room I realized she wasn't in here with us and snorted out a laugh wondering why she would even care to be here anyways when she never was.

"She figured it would be best if she wasn't around, but she was actually worried."

Dimitri tensed knowing immediately who I was looking around for and I just looked at him giving my best 'yeah right' Rose glare but I wasn't even sure if I worked. I tried to feel the muscles in my face to move them but they were all stiff and strained to double their size. Dropping my hand Dimitri leaned back and I almost protested but then heard the door open and saw the doctor come in.

"You can take her back now Guardian Belikov, try and get some rest Rose and make sure you apply ice to your face whenever you can to help ease down the swelling."

She regarded me with a fond but slightly sad nod before leaving back down the hallway. Dimitri made the move to help me but I held up a hand in protest and pulled myself up instantly regretting not taking his help. Any alcohol in my system was long since worn off and I felt every ache and every pain in my body as I tried to move forward. I almost fell down as I realized my right leg was asleep and my knee buckled beneath me. With a loud sigh I felt Dimitri pulling me up and looping his arm underneath mine to help and steady me but still giving me the freedom to move my own body. Forcing myself to not look at him I let him silently lead me back to the parlor room behind the gyms where we had our last talk.

The ache in my chest came back thinking of that moment. I'd tried so hard all day to ignore my feelings for him but they always came slamming back the first moment I'd glimpse his face. Then the jealousy swam up remember he'd spent all night and early morning with Tasha and I wanted to spit venom. Why should he be treating me with this kindness when I knew who he really wanted? I wasn't the one who could give him the world anymore, she was.

Shuffling myself to the lounge chair I sat down while he closed the door and strode over to the chair beside mine and looked at me. Looked would be too soft of a word. His eyes glimmered at me with a mix of anger and uncertainty.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not the one in the wrong here because ya know this-"

I lifted my hand and twirled it around my face in a giant show of disgust.

"-Was because of her. I don't enjoy being in pain."

Slumping into my seat I realized it was taking more effort than I thought to try and muster up my usual amount of sarcastic winning attitude. It always felt like such an act around Dimitri. I never wanted to be cruel around him, he didn't deserve that.

"You could have fooled me. You know they examined you to make sure you didn't have any other hits like the one on your face."

His eyes glared at him still and I couldn't help but think of how they reminded me of antique wooden furniture. That hint of wizened age and the burnt cherry brown stain. I felt myself squirm in my seat as my hands unconsciously poked at my chest and stomach to see if I had bruises from the other night in the bath. My winces were enough of confirmation for both me and Dimitri whose look grew from mad to just heartbreakingly sad.

"When did you get them Roza? What happened? Did someone do this to you? Why didn't you come to me if something like that was happening, I would help you, I told you I always would."

Part of me was relieved that they didn't notice I had been drinking that morning but the other part of me was pissed it wasn't that they had found out. Drinking would be a lot easier to explain than this. What kind of person does this to themselves? How do I explain to him that I did this to myself without sounding totally insane?

"Whoa slow down there partner…I can only answer so many questions at a time."

It was a pitiful attempt to avoid answering and we both knew it. Leaning forward he ran his hands through his hair and looked up at me with a furrowed brow and a look that made me want to throw myself out of the nearest window to escape the blame.

"No one did this to me. I just get so caught up in training sometimes I don't notice or say anything when blows land too hard that's all I just…"

I was bullshitting myself harder than ever before and I could tell he knew when I heard his loud displeased grunt but what I wasn't expecting was for him to get out of his chair and pull my shirt up to my shoulders and hover over me with a look that'd make even a murderer uncomfortable. His free hand rested on my stomach and began tracing over the biggest of the bruises that stretched from my hip to near my belly button and was a nasty puddle of dark blue and custard yellow. Every movement of his fingers on me sent my body in a fit of pinpricks and I felt heat flashing over my face in embarrassment and want. This moment shouldn't be so sexual but I couldn't handle the feeling of his hands on me without thinking so. I was utterly at his mercy in this seat underneath his body that hovered so close over mine.

"Roza…please. Don't lie to me; tell me what is going on with you. You don't know how much it hurts me to see you like this. Who did this to you?"

I want to lie. I want to tell the most spectacular lie in the world that would fool even him so I could walk right out of here and never have to see this look on his face ever again, he's far too beautiful to look so sad. My mouth moved before my brain though and I cringed as soon as the word was out of my mouth.

"Me."

Bewilderment would be the most appropriate term for the look he had on his face. Then more sadness on a level not even I could comprehend. I felt his hands leave my body and yearned instantly for the feeling once more as he fell to my knees and I felt him press his face against my lap. It felt so vulnerable seeing him act so weak and it made no sense at all. I'm the weak one here, why is he the one acting like this.

"Aren't you going to scream at me? Tell me how irresponsible I am? Go ahead comrade, lay it on thick. Make me feel like the stupidest person in the world for doing something like this."

My voice was panicked and shaking like I was trying to reason with myself, telling all those things to myself just incase he wasn't going to say them. I felt his cheek drag across my skin as he looked up at me and gave me the most confused look I'd ever seen on a person. The silence felt like forever and his right hand was tracing circles on my thigh while I waited for his response.

"Don't talk about yourself like that Roza."

His voice was so gentle and barely above a whisper. If I didn't feel awful before I surely did now. How could I keep doing this to him? Even I realized now he'd be so much better without me dragging him around like this emotionally. All I ever do is worry him and even now I'm pushing him away when all he wants is to be let in. I would give the world to let him in and let him know everything but I know I can't keep doing this to him. I'm not good enough for him. It's obvious to know looking down at him now and seeing him look back at me like I'm an angel on earth. The worlds most fucked up and disappointing angel. I could see his eyes going over my face, perhaps assessing the damage. I have no idea how bad it really is I almost don't want to know how bad it is. Even if it was so bad that my entire face was permanently marred he still looked at me like that. I was so weak for his affections.

"We may not be able to be together but don't ever think that I would leave you alone when you really needed help. Tell me what is going on with you please, let me in and let me help you through this. You're not at strong as you like to think you are and you know it."

That was what did it. That was the line that sucker punched me in the face harder than Janine had. I knew it was true, it was the most accurate statement I'd heard about me in a long time, but I wasn't about to let anyone know it as true. Especially not Dimitri. With a strength I didn't know I even still had left I looked down at him with a look as menacing as one I'd give I hate I found my mouth finally doing something helpful and uttering a line I knew would hit him straight in the heart.

"We can't all be as mighty and brave as your precious Tasha. Why don't you go lay your head on her lap when we both know she's the one you really care about?"

He drew back off of me with a speed that almost made my head spin and he stood up and glowered down at me.

"You are out of line Rose!"

The boom was back in his voice and I almost flinched at the anger in his face but I knew I had to stay strong so I threw myself up out of the chair and stormed out of the room despite al the muscles in my body protesting the rapid movement. As I threw open the door I heard Dimitri behind me cursing in Russian but he made no move to come after me and I went straight to Lissa's dorm room to rehash the events with Janine to her.

Lissa was supportive and understood my anger and didn't try to talk me into being rational towards Janine. I could see her flittering about the room and felt the happiness radiating through the bond to notice she was excited for something and it wasn't me having a fit of rage on her bed.

"Going on a hot date tonight?"

I looked at her forcing a smile to try and make sure she knew I did actually care.

"Actually…yes. Christian and I are sneaking into the tower again for a little picnic incase we can't get any alone time together at the Ski Lodge."

Putting up my hand to stop her I found myself knowing I had to be making my way back to my own room.

"Say no more, I know when I'm not wanted here. Try not to let Sparky get too hands, you don't need any second degree burns on your naughty bits."

With a laugh I headed out and found my way back to the dorm ignoring all the anxious happy feelings flooding through the bond. The last thing I needed was constant reminders of other people's perfectly fine love lives while my disintegrated faster than the Soviet Union. Finally in my room and locking it tentatively I found my favorite spot in the computer desk and pulled out the last of my raspberry Stolichnaya and took a careful glance at my mirror.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I clearly wasn't expecting it to be this bad. My entire right face side was a kaleidoscope of colors ranging from black to dark blue to greens and yellows. This would be impossible to cover even with the strongest industrial makeup. I felt a laugh work its way out of my throat and I felt like a deranged person looking at my reflection and laughing. It suited the new me though, it suited me so well. Damaged and crazy. I could almost see the dark clouds hanging over me looking at myself like that. Staggering backwards I found my back hitting the wall and sliding down it will taking the longest swig of the vodka.

This trip was going to be a hell of an adventure.


	6. Damaged People

_Thank you to_ sunayna4sho _for the kind review! This is another pretty long chapter to tide you guys all over while I hammer out the next one! The songs for this chapter are both by Depeche Mode they're titled Damaged People and Walking In My Shoes. Adrian always struck me as a Depeche Mode kinda guy. Anyways thank you for reading and hope you enjoy! The story may seem slow at some spots but it's purely because I plan on making this a pretty long story._

The flight out to the lodge was almost a haze and it was a miracle I could even feel my feet when they touched solid ground once more. Someone made the horrific choice of seating me next to Dimitri since I wasn't in the best of dispositions this morning. My head was pounding and it only got worse once we were in the air. I could feel a thumping in the front of my brain like someone was beating on it with a baseball bat. The circulation in my fingers had barely returned after spending the whole flight gripping onto my arm rests for dear life. I could see Dimitri out the corner of my eye regarding me in a worried manner but the tension settled thick between us because of last nights encounter. No words were said but half way into the flight I could feel his hand settle gently on top of mine.

Even after saying such awful things to him he still treated me so softly. I could have puked and I wasn't sure if it was from that realization or the grade a hangover that was warping my body. As the plane landed and everyone started to stand I could sense Dimitri didn't move but instead seemed to wait for me to stand and only then did he remove his hand. I didn't look back at him as I got off the plane, not that it would have mattered since my vision was being clouded by strange misty white shapes swirling all around me and the other passengers. I could sense words being said to me but I couldn't make out any of them and I thought to myself that I'd never had a hangover quite like this before, maybe I really had already lost my mind.

Once we got into the lodge the shapes all vanished at the same time and my head leveled back down into a normal headache. I could have questioned it, but knowing my luck I would have just jinxed myself and brought the pain right back. Lissa dragged us all to the slopes and before I knew it I was actually having a bit of fun for once in a long time. Mason had taken to daring me back and forth to do extreme trails and we were huffing and puffing our way back up to the most dangerous trail of them all.

"Can you guys not do these crazy stunts? I'd rather not carry you two idiots all the way to the medic station."

Christian started down at us with a smirk and I reached past Lissa to punch him in the shoulder.

"Like you'd be able to carry us both, exaggerating your strength to impress your lady?"

I could already tell Mason had spent too much time around me as he defiantly joked at Christian.

"Exaggerating your confidence to impress _your_ lady?"

Christian shot right back and struggled to hold back a knowing laugh. I felt my cheek blare a bright red at the insinuation that I was Mason's girl. That would be the logical move though wouldn't it? Mason was a good guy. I looked over at him blushing just as furiously as me, the shade matching his ginger red locks. I'd known him my whole life and not once had I ever returned his affections, if I did now I would be lying to myself. That's how it is though isn't it? Lying to yourself and morals just to do what is politically correct instead of following your true feelings and destroying lives just to make yourself happy. Being with Dimitri would leave Lissa unarmed and that would hurt me just as much. Pushing Mason on the shoulder I took the moment to get back to business.

"Come on we have a mountain to shred!"

Staring down the mountain I felt my resolve shake a little and glancing at Mason I could tell her felt the same but we were both in the same boat. We both were competitive as hell and we both wanted to win this dare.

"Snooze ya lose baby!"

Mason took off down the mountain as I screamed after him.

"NOT FAIR!"

The slope was even steeper than it looked and I was quickly bobbing and weaving around to catch up with him but he was only gaining traction faster and before I knew it I saw him heading straight up a huge jump and held my breath as I went right around the jump. I took off ahead as he was in the air and looked back to see him coming back down at a bad angle. Pushing my skis to the side I slid to a stop and jumped back to get to him forgetting the skis were buckled to my feet. I went face first into the snow with a groan only to hear Mason cussing out loud not far behind me. Clambering back onto my feet I unbuckled the skis and ran towards him just to find him lying on his back in the snow whining.

"Dumbass can you not try and kill yourself just to beat me?!"

My tone was joking but I was still looking down at him worried seeing him gripping tightly to his right arm.

"I think I broke my arm Rose."

His eyes were blinking back tears and I knew it wasn't the time for joking.

"AM I GOING TO BE CARRYING YOU?"

A voice boomed from a few feet away from us and I looked over to see Christian and Lissa walking towards us.

"Shit, he was right you know we're never going to live this down right?"

Mason looked up at me with a weary smile and I struggled to hold back my own laugh as they neared us.

"What do you mean us? I'm still on my feet your ass is the one being carried."

We all laughed as Christian hauled Mason over his shoulder and complained about how heavy he was. As they took off towards the medic station I hung back around the lobby in the back to shuffle out of my snow drenched outer wear. The lobby was empty except for a lone man standing near a back window surrounded in a cloud of smoke. Dragging off my giant blue jacket and black snow pants I was left standing there in damp skinny blue jeans and an equally damp white sweater.

Making my way towards the mystery man I could begin to smell the smoke around him as he dragged away on a cigarette. It was spicy and reminded me of a hippie shop I'd once been into at the mall back in Montana. He stood tall but with a lanky figure that looked quite good in his all black attire that only added to his entire vibe. His short but medium length black hair was perfectly disheveled and just barely kept his emerald green eyes from being seen when his face looked down at me.

"Ah what a true beauty queen, and who might you be little Dhampir?"

I felt his eyes rake over mine and I became distinctly aware of the still nasty bruise pathing over half of my face. I had to force my hand not to shoot up and touch it to feel the sting that came with prodding it. My body would visibly shake from the pleasure I would get out of the pain. It was sickening to realize but I couldn't deny that I'd grown a taste for the physical pain I kept finding myself in.

"If you give me one of those cigarettes I might just tell you."

Playing coy I ran a hand through my hair to play up my appeal and distract from the horrid temporary disfigurement Janine felt I apparently deserved. He laughed a light but hearty and dark chuckle before handing over a black cigarette and lighter. When I had it in my lips I could taste the faint sweet taste of cherries and only with the inhale did I become consumed with the full flavor of spices and fruits with tobacco. I could grow used to this taste easily I thought before handing the lighter back to him and pressing my back against the wall beside him.

"So who are you? I can't say I've ever seen you before, I think I would remember someone like…you."

I looked him over and felt my tongue flicker inside my mouth. Where was this Rose coming from? I had always been confident with men but not like this. It was always a show, a joking manner to make myself seem like this huge player for the boys. This wasn't a show though, no one else was around to see this and I felt myself genuinely being pulled towards this strange man. Just looking at him I felt he had to understand the feelings I was going through also somehow. Seeing him eyeing me in return I lowered my gaze towards my feet being momentarily shamed for being so brazen.

I felt him move towards me and looked up just as he hovered in front of me and leaned towards my face. His breath was rich and exhaled the smell of rum just as spicy as his cigarettes.

"You smell…divine little Dhampir."

He disregarded my question and lingered in the same spot above me and I looked up at him a little aghast at his words before reeling myself back in and going back to the cool casual Rose that had started this mess in the first place.

"That doesn't answer my question you know and I'm sure I don't know what you mean by that I've been sweating under twenty pounds of clothes all day outside."

His eyes glanced down at my chest and I followed his gaze only to realize the coral pink bra I was wearing was highly visible now through my damp white sweater. I could almost hear his breath hitch because of how close he was to me.

"Nothing is sexier than the smell of a woman with a little sweat on her. All your natural oils are enhanced even more and can bring to mind some…questionable thoughts in a man's mind."

His words were fluid and hit me to my very core. For a split moment my mind had no recollection of Dimitri and our fated love. All I could think of was the smell of this man and the thought of his body pressed up against mine alone in this dimly lit room surrounded by hanging clouds of smoke. I wanted so badly to close the distance between us and grab him by the hair and pull his lips down upon mine. Ravage him on the spot just as I was sure he was imagining of doing to me. As I felt my body arching towards him I heard a screeching high voice interrupt the moment just to look over and see Mia Rinaldi glaring at us from the door to the lobby.

"Wow adding another man to your collection whore? Not like you don't already have enough."

The malice to her words was obvious as if her body posture wasn't enough to give away her disdain. I felt myself mirroring the same stance as her and narrowed my eyes without a word. I could see the slight fear in her body as I gave her the infamous I will destroy your world look I learned to give so well. She unwillingly stepped back a slight step and then stormed off with a huff. My body was back against the wall and I realized that even though I had moved Adrian had not. He still stood close enough for me to almost feel him. Looking down at my almost forgotten cigarette I took a long puff and then blew the smoke right in his face with a sneer. As much as I wanted to be this new Rose I couldn't keep the old one from surfacing. Waving his hand in front of his face he just laughed with that same satin smooth deep voice and I found my knees going weak at the sound. He was alarmingly attractive in ways I never thought I would find working under my skin. For so long my only definition of sexy was Dimitri, tall and broad and terrifying with a shoulder span twice mine and a rough voice that made me want to turn to a puddle. Something about this stranger though got to me as I realized his demons would play along well with my own. That in itself was a whole new breed of alluring I hadn't encountered.

"The names Adrian Ivashkov and what is yours little Dhampir?"

I looked him over once more and realized it made sense that he would be an Ivashkov. The Ivashkov's were one of the richest Moroi royal families and one of those whose reputations preceded them the most.

"Rose Hathaway."

With a knowing tsk he leaned back against his side of the wall and lit another cigarette.

"I knew you would be trouble the moment you trampled in that door."

I felt myself scoff at his comment and found myself not holding back my own thoughts at his reputation.

"I believe I should be the one with that sentiment, you clearly aren't a saint and that's even more present knowing that you're an Ivashkov. Is that why you're smoking down here alone? Avoiding mommy and daddy?"

The venom seeped my words more than I had meant for and I felt a bit ashamed for being so cruel. I didn't know him personally and he didn't know me, we only knew each others reputations and I knew that enough wasn't always the best source of information.

"Tsk tsk little Rose…you're going to be such a handful."

He glowered down at me with a smirk before crossing his arms.

"And what makes you think that there will be anymore interactions between us for you to feel that way?"

I was back into subtle flirtation mode and felt my hair toss back and looked up at him expectantly.

"You want alcohol don't you? I know the look of someone who's been dry for a while when they're used to drinking a lot. I can get you that alcohol if you would just continue to grace me with your…so lovely…company."

At that moment I became aware of my body past the flirtations, my hands were clammy and tremoring in the slightest and my skin felt like it was crawling away from itself. I was so caught up in Adrian I hadn't even noticed that the hangover had disappeared fully and I was in a different kind of discomfort. I felt so weak once more, I was no better than the blood whore jonesing for their next hit. A shudder forced itself through my body and I saw the smirk on Adrian's face grow even wider, he knew he had the in that he was looking for.

"Fair games then, my room at three am, if you want me to be in a good mood I suggest you bring something strong."

I turned on my heel dropping my long burnt out cigarette butt and walked away forcing a grace I didn't think I even had anymore. I could hear him over my shoulder call back to me in that voice like murky inviting bedspreads.

"I fear nothing will ever be strong enough for you my darling."

The words haunted me as I made my way to find the others in the dinning hall. Every word gnawed at me with razor sharp little teeth until my gait was no longer graceful but instead broken and beaten. Just how long until his words were true? I'd keep building up tolerance after tolerance until I was at full blooded alcoholic level needing it just to survive every single minute. I didn't want to become that at all, old Rose would have beat the shit out of me if she saw me. The little halo of dark clouds clung tighter above me and I could just feel them spreading. How long until they envelope every part of my being and drag me kicking and screaming into all my nightmares until they became a reality?

As I found my seat with the others I faked listening to all their conversations and feigned interest as I looked around the room trying to catch another glimpse of Adrian. Instead I found myself locking eyes with Dimitri who was sitting across the room with Tasha right beside him. Her face was the image of a woman truly in love with the way she looked at him. It was unmistakable that I'd caught them in another moment of courting. My stomach churned and I felt the bile start rising in my throat, the acidic taste burning away at my esophagus. His face was so sad looking at me again.

"So Rose want to tell us why everyone's saying you were hanging out with Adrian Ivashkov earlier?"

Mason's questioning tone ripped me away from Dimitri's gaze and I found myself floundering for words.

"And who's saying that?"

My sentence was barked out harder than I meant and I saw him flinch lightly at my tone. I saw his arm in a sling against his chest and felt even worse for my retort.

"Mia has been telling everyone…"

Wanting to be casual with my response I failed miserably just biting back even harder at him with my words.

"And you believe anything Mia would say about me? Thanks a lot guys."

I stood to my feet and found myself rushing out with no real destination but to find the closest isolated bathroom as the bile still fought to escape my throat. I nearly made it to the bathroom at the end of an empty hallway just off the dinning hall before I felt someone grab my arm and pull my backwards. Can I really not catch a break today? It must be everyone harass Rose day. The agitation shook my body and and whipped around to reprimand whoever had a grip of me.

"Rose do you mind telling me why I'm hearing rumors that you've been with Adrian Ivashkov?"

I was face to face with a very upset and angry Russian who looked down at me like a naughty child who'd just been caught with a fist in the cookie jar. I cowered under him suddenly losing any of the new Rose strength I'd had earlier with Adrian.

"What I can't make new friends? Didn't know it was illegal for me to meet new people, Jesus, Dimitri chill the fuck out."

I was weary and ready to just escape this scenario and looked past him for a way to get out once he'd let go of my arm but I tipped him off to my thoughts with my glance and his grip only tightened.

"Stop acting like such a child Rose. This isn't about that, he's not the kind of person you should be around. You don't know what he could do to you."

He was angry and it was obvious but staring into his eyes a little longer I realized a big part of it was also jealousy and I wanted to play on that card as hard as I could. I noticed his eyes flicker down at my shirt seeing almost the same view that Adrian had gotten earlier and felt a flush rush across my body. Now is defiantly not the time to be getting turned on. My mind wanted to wander to thoughts of us almost naked pressed against each other last year under Victors spell but all I could see in my mind was him and Tasha. The thought poisoned any imagine I had of me and him instantly.

"I'm not a child as much as you like to say I am comrade. I've been through enough in my life to merit that, not that you would know. Why don't you just go back to your own problems instead of worrying about mine? I've heard the rumors. I know she wants you for her guardian. It's her you should be worrying about not me."

I tried to keep my strength though the whole speech but my voice broke into barely a whisper when I reached the last sentence. I had hoped the rumors about him and Tasha weren't true but Christian had mentioned it at lunch earlier and seeing the look in his eyes just now, I knew it was true. He had the out that most guardians would die for; a chance to have a family. I was just a silly damaged girl that didn't belong in his world. The silence sat heavy like a thick fog between us and he thought of what to say and I found myself weakening more as the moments past and I wanted to just collapse to the floor and slide out of his grasp.

"It's moments like these that prove that you are a child Rose."

I wasn't expecting it. I don't think he even fully anticipated it but it had been said and the words couldn't be taken back now. Looking at him in shock I could see the regret run through his face but I wouldn't give him the time to try and apologize for it even if he wanted to. I didn't think I was acting like a child having a tantrum but he didn't know what was really going on with me so that's all he saw. He didn't see me for what I truly was. A young woman in the midst of mental breakdown thinking she has no way out. Feeling his grip loosen I ripped my arm out of his hand and took off back towards my room in an almost full speed run. I can't let him hurt me anymore not right now; I wouldn't be able to bear it without fully losing my last thread of sanity.

As I threw the door of my room close behind me I headed towards the bathroom and began drawing a bath. Glancing at the clock on the wall I realized it was already two thirty and I had less an half an hour before Adrian would show up. My hand shook still and I found myself fumbling to brush them through my hair to distract myself while the tub filled. It was then I glanced over and saw the shaving razor sitting on the sink counter. I reasoned with myself so hard. I shouldn't do this. I can't do this. I can't sink this low. I'm already rock bottom though how much lower could I really even get? Peeling out of my not slightly dry clothes I grabbed the razor and sunk down into the scalding hot water. I closed my eyes tight and tried once more to reason with myself but even my own words were falling on deaf ears.

The cold of the blades was against my skin and I felt goosebumps line my leg where it rested. Pressing down hard I quickly slashed the razor against my leg and felt myself gasping out loud at the sensation. It was nothing I'd ever felt before. And I did it again, and again, and again, until I felt all the pressure building up inside my body drain once more. It felt just like Heaven. A very fucked up and very confusing Heaven. My body slid even further under the water as my legs went weak and went under as well. The water above started to turn a rosy shade of pink as the blood still seeped out of the numerous lines I'd made. I closed my eyes and just sat in the pain drawing all the sickening pleasure I could from it. The stinging was turning into a throbbing burn that shot up my entire leg deep into my hips.

Before I knew it there was a loud knocking at the door and I glanced at the clock.

3:05 am.

Adrian had arrived.


	7. A Question Of Lust

_Eeep this is a semi-smutty chapter! No full smut though! This one shows an interesting angle of Rose and Adrian's interactions. I think you guys will like it though. Dimitri will return next chapter I promise though this is still very much a Rose/Dimitri story. The songs I listened to while writing this chapter are once again both Depeche Mode songs they're A Question Of Lust and I Feel You! Hope you all enjoy! :)_

Crawling out of the tub I reached for the plush white towel hanging on the rack and dried myself off as fast as possible.

"Just a minute!"

With my yell the knocking stopped and I knew he had heard me. Scrambling back into the room I dug through my still unemptied luggage bags for clean clothes. Time being a sensitive matter I ended up throwing on clean knickers and a knee length emerald green dress. Brushing my fingers through my still soaking wet hair I answered the door to let him in. Standing before me was Adrian in all his strange glory in worn out black slacks and a silky black button up haphazardly pulled out of a tuck into his pants. In his arms were three bottles of the fanciest looking wine I'd seen in a long time.

"I see you're already wet, now where is the fun in that for me?"

His cockiness was ever certain as he gave me a wink and I sighed loudly before gesturing him in.

"I thought I told you to bring something strong?"

He flopped down into one of the giant arm chairs on the opposite side of the room and gestured back for me to sit in the one beside him. Trying to remain civil I walked over instead of doing my normal stomp and leaned back in the chair careful to still keep some distance between us. I wasn't even quite sure I could trust Adrian no matter how much my body wanted to betray that instinct. Setting the wine bottles on the small table between our seats he stood to wander into the small dining area in my room before returning with two Styrofoam cups I wasn't even aware I had in here.

"Nothing says fancy like Styrofoam I suppose."

Mumbling he procured a corkscrew from his pocket and topped open a dark cherry colored wine before pouring us each a full cups worth. Handing me mine I felt our hands brush and found myself blushing at the small contact. Curse my body for betraying me like this to him. He smirked down at me again noticing my reaction.

"As I told you before my little dhampir, I wouldn't even know if there's anything strong enough for you. Plus how are you to fully enjoy my graceful presence if you can't even remember it the next day?"

His tone was questioning but playful and I found myself relaxing in his company. He may be annoying but there really seemed to be nothing harmful or unsafe about him. Besides if anything, I was the dangerous one between the two of us. I was straddling a fine line of sanity and god knows who I even am anymore.

"How'd you know about my drinking problems?"

I suddenly recalled his earlier ability to notice that I was shaking from withdrawals and had yet to let that go. His words always sounded so casual but there was an undiscernible quality to them would randomly sink in deep with a real truth.

"How'd you get that black eye?"

I'd almost forgotten about it. I began to grow used to it and its ever changing shades as the days started to pass. It was still a myriad of dark shades and made me look even more menacing.

"My mother punched me."

Shock would be the closest word to describe the look on his face and he looked away momentarily ashamed that he had asked something that was obviously so personal.

"I would have guessed your boyfriend did it. He's a very scary looking man but that seems like your type the more time I spend around you."

Who in the hell was he talking about?

"I don't have a boyfriend."

His charming silken laughter filled the now awkward silence between us.

"You could have fooled me. I saw you two in the hall earlier after dinner. Are you trying to say the burly giant Russian man who had you by the arm isn't your night time lover? You can't tell me there isn't something between you two with the look I saw him give you after you stormed out of the dinning hall."

He ran a hand through his messy hair and gave me a knowing look. Where was he in the dinning hall? I hadn't seen him when I was looking around. Was it really that obvious that there was something between me and Dimitri? We really were terrible at being secretive, Victor was right.

"We aren't together. There are certain…difficulties that would be too much to deal with."

I tried to hold a casual tone and not give away just how much the situation was hurting me. I wasn't about to give away all of my secrets when I barely know Adrian.

"What a shame, he really cares about you that one. You don't see many looks like the one he gave you around here. His loss I suppose."

He gave me another wink and a smile that screamed sultry and treacherous.

"You still never answered my question you know. How did you know about my drinking problems?"

He took a long drink of his wine before pulling himself up more in his chair and giving me the reply I'd been waiting so nervously for.

"You cut right to the chase don't you? That doesn't surprise me. Didn't you feel the same pull? I've found that damaged people always know when someone else is damaged. It's like this unique bond we all share. Undamaged people tend to take a lot longer to pick up on, but with us it's like we're hardwired. We seek out for others who are just like us, trapped by the same demons. And looking at you I could see them a mile away, all of them surrounding you like a brewing maelstrom. You may be able to fool everyone else but you can't fool me little Dhampir."

His early confidence was worn down and he sounded tired with every word as they left his mouth. I could tell he was endangering letting out the truth of his own demons just by calling me out on mine. Only Dimitri had ever called me out of the problems plaguing me but even he couldn't see this far into me like Adrian was doing right now. I should be scared. I should be desperately trying to build up a wall to keep this new enemy out and protect my secrets. It feels so good though. The tension I usually hold up was gone in this moment alone with Adrian. He already knew so I didn't have to pretend or hide myself and who I really am.

"If you really know what I'm like then why haven't you run like anyone else would?"

I stared him down with a strong fervor anxious for his reply.

"If you know that I'm just like you then why haven't you run?"

The questions hung between us and I couldn't deny the magnetic pull that wanted to drag me even closer to him. It wasn't anything like love. It wasn't anything like what I felt for Dimitri. My feelings for him were so pure and strong and vibrated every chord of my heartstrings. My desires for Dimitri were something that I wanted to cling to forever and never let go of. What I was feeling for Adrian was something so polar opposite. It was low and dirty and made my bones shiver with anticipation. It was weak and full of lust with no repercussions. I wanted to throw our demons into a ring together and watch them fight each other to the death dragging us down with them.

The look on his face told me he was feeling the same feelings and I wanted to leap out of my chair and throw myself over him and close the void between us and feel his hands on my body. I wasn't going to make the first move though. As much as my body sang out for his touch my mind only felt awful about the betrayal. It was Dimitri I wanted to have touching me no matter what these feelings were doing to me. I would feel so dirty taking advantage of Adrian's want to fulfill my own all the while thinking that it was someone else touching me. The more I lingered on the thought though the more my mind began to wonder just where Dimitri was. Was he on duty or was he alone? Was he back in Tasha's room dancing the same emotional dance I was leading with Adrian? Would he take the plunge though and remove all of Tasha's clothes imagining it was me? What if he did but he wasn't thinking of me? The thought of him caressing her slender and lovely body made my body feel slimy. The thought of him taking her being as a whole and only thinking of her was enough to make my skin crawl in on itself. I looked down at the cup in my now clammy hand and chugged it with a new found revelation. I looked up at Adrian who was still looking dead at me with his enticing green eyes waiting to see if I made the move that both of us wanted to make.

"Well are you going to do it?"

My voice quaked but it held strong as I stood up and looked down at him.

"I thought you would never ask."

He stood up and approached me so fast I thought I would fall backwards from the impact but instead his body seemed to mold against mine as he grabbed me by the face and let his lips crash roughly against mine. The gratification was instant as the heat spread through out my body and I returned his kisses with equal want. Shivers ran through my body and I'm sure he was taking them as signs of my desire but I knew they were guilt. He broke the kiss and looked over at the bedroom behind us and looking down nodded his head towards it while waiting for me to give him a yes or a no. Instead of words I chose actions and taking him by the hand lead him inside the room. The lights were off but small glimmers of daylight were filtering in-between the slightly closed shades as daylight was breaking outside. Everyone was already well asleep and the clouds were a barely dusty orange.

Adrian picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him as our lips connected again and my body tremored feeling his hands slid up under the back of my dress and caress my bare skin. I was pressed just against his hip line and I could feel him hard underneath me and failed to suppress the moan that slithered out of my throat and against his mouth. The sound drove him even faster in his progressions and he threw us both down on the bed and I felt my dress ride up my own hips. His hungry eyes flickered down at my black panties and he reached eagerly at the buckle on his belt but stopped. My half closed eyes opened all the way and looked at him confused.

Then I knew why he stopped. His hand was slide up my knee to a spot on my now exposed thigh. Dry and flaked blood crested several raised and swollen angry lines. His fingertips lightly traced them and I quivered at the slight pain that tingled down my leg at his contact. I became more aware of myself as the initial high of the wine wore down and I wanted to be ashamed at him seeing this part of me. He'd only guessed at the demons haunting me but he had yet to see the real solid proof. All the adrenaline in my body was replaced with a sudden fear. This was the closest anyone had ever come to seeing what I was really becoming.

His hand dropped off of my leg and instead began unbuttoning his silk shirt. Pulling myself up on my elbows I still looked at him confused. My body was still yearning for his touch but the entire mood between us had shifted to something else. Something that clung a lot heavier than lust was settling upon us. Throwing his shirt down on the floor he reached over and pulled me all the way up so I was sitting on my heels but his hands didn't let mine go, instead he pulled them over towards his chest. Then I noticed what he was doing.

On the skin above his ribs were long scars that had since long healed over but it was unmistakable what they were. The faint rosy scars felt smooth under my touch and I understood finally what shook him so much. He had done the same before. With a knowing sigh I let my hands drop out of his and away from his skin. All my confidence was drained and I was left empty and melancholy. The moment was gone between us and I didn't want it back anymore. The guilt from earlier sat in my chest again and I knew I couldn't do this with Adrian no matter how much my body wanted it.

"I'm sorry."

My voice felt defeated and I wasn't even sure entirely what I was apologizing for. I felt like I had ruined entirely whatever was happening between us.

"Don't apologize. I understand and I know you don't really want this. I don't want to be another tool for your self destruction but you can still let me in."

His words were sincere and only stung me more when I realized how much they echoed Dimitri's requests. I couldn't let him in when he wasn't the one I truly wanted to let in.

"I can't let you in, I owe that to someone else. Could you still stay here though and lay with me? I don't want to be alone tonight it's not…safe."

With a low nod he gently lay down beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist while nesting his face against my damp hair and the nape of my neck. He wasn't who I wanted but it felt so much better knowing for once I wasn't physically alone when I gave into the world of my night terrors.

I felt myself drifting off into sleep with the only sound I could hear being Adrian's even breathing against my skin. Once again I was back in the courtyard in that blue velvet dress as I felt the gravel dig into the skin on the soles of my feet. As always I trudged forward even knowing I would see the bodies again, knowing I would see the blood seeping across the hard ground in little streams. Knowing that he would once again creep out of the shadows and out towards me my body kept pushing forwards on autopilot.

The moment never came though. Instead when I reached the bodies they dissolved into the dark and out of the shadows didn't step the monster. Instead Adrian stepped out and looked at me with the most gut wrenching look.

"So this is what you're afraid of little Dhampir."

When he reached me he pushed a lose strand of hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear. He looked the same as he did before I fell asleep, in his black slacks and shirtless.

"Blue really isn't your color you know."

He tapped on my dress and the color shifted to a dark rich red that reminded me of the wine we had drank.

"Don't worry little one, the monsters aren't going to get you tonight."

He embraced me and I didn't return the hug, but I felt safe and nodded against him as everything faded to black.


	8. Everything Is Embarrassing

_Sorry this one took longer, it's been a crazy weekend! The next chapter will be longer to makeup for it and it'll be an all Dimitri chapter ;) The songs for this one are Everything Is Embarrassing and I Blame Myself by Sky Ferreria ! Hope you guys all enjoy and thank you to those of you who are following the story and leaving reviews you guys are amazing!_

I woke up feeling better than I had in a long time. Adrian was still asleep as I tried to roll over slowly; I realized his arm was still tightly wrapped about my waist. Worming around so I was facing him I lay up on one elbow and looked down at him with curiosity. His face was softer than I had ever seen yet and he looked almost like a child wearing peacefulness like a halo. I wanted to reach out and brush the hair away from his face but I feared I would be sending him the wrong signals. Well, even more wrong signals than being in a bed with him half naked and entangled in his embrace. My hand stayed still and I glanced behind me at the window to see that darkness was quickly falling upon the resort. It would be vampire day soon and I'd have to kick Adrian out of my room and get ready to be out and about with everyone else. Part of me wanted to groan and hide in bed all day instead with Adrian but I realized I didn't feel the dark clouds around me that much today. I felt lighter than I had in weeks and I wasn't as scared anymore.

I was ripped out of my wandering thoughts by a knock on the door and nearly jumped out of my skin. Adrian was still fast asleep so I carefully unwrapped his arm from around me and walked out of the bedroom closing the door just enough that no one would see inside it. Stopping just in front of the door I dragged my dress back down and made sure nothing was showing on my legs. Opening the door I found a familiar tall form in front of me.

"Rose…I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. What I said to you…what I said to you was wrong and just as out of line. It's hard for me sometimes to accept that you're wiser than your years."

Dimitri shifted awkwardly on his feet and I wanted to squirm hearing his apology and seeing him with his guard down. How could I still hold a grudge against him when he had the decency to apologize?

"It's okay, I said some things that were totally inappropriate and did sound pretty childish."

I melted against the doorframe crossing my arms defeated. His eyes looked over me at a dragging slow pace and I felt my heart pounding faster than a freight train under his gaze. I felt self conscious suddenly and felt my hand running through my hair that probably looked like a rats nest compared to his which was neatly combed and pulled into a ponytail just high enough to expose his Molnija marks.

"So…are there any big plans today?"

I cleared my throat trying to distract myself from his burning looks.

"Yes actually, I've cleared a personal training room in the basement for us to get back to our lessons. I figured you'd be ready to get back to learning how to stake."

My heart stopped as he gave me one of those beautiful smiles. His lips pulled high enough to expose just a small amount of his teeth and I could feel the fluttering of wings inside my chest. He's so amazing it physically pains.

"Oh you know it comrade; sure you just aren't excited to have your ass handed to you by me?"

I reached up to punch him in the shoulder and gave him back a just as happy smile and I swore I could feel my heart soaring.

"Trying to leave me already little Dhampir?"

My heart stopped again, but this time in fear. Dimitri's smile was gone and instead a cold determined look of anger rested on his face and I turned to see Adrian striding towards us. I felt myself turn ten different shades of red embarrassed for Dimitri to catch me with another man.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Just as I thought I had started to take down the wall between me and Dimitri I could take one look at him now and see that he'd started to build his own against me. Adrian leaned against the wall opposite behind me and I noticed he was lighting a cigarette he'd fished out of his pocket.

"So is this your infamous boyfriend?"

Adrian smirked and looked between us with a knowing but mischievous grin.

"Why are you in a students room Mr. Ivashkov? This is highly against the rules as I'm sure you're well aware of. It is wildly inappropriate especially considering your state of undressing-"

Dimitri's tone was vicious and he was about to continue on with his rant when Adrian put up his hand to stop him and went into his own little spiel.

"First off, I'm not a student so the rules don't apply to me. Second off, you have nothing to worry about nothing happened between us I was simply looking out for a friend who needed company."

He held his hands up in an exaggerated shrug trying to hide the smirk on his face. Dimitri knew it was a losing battle to argue with Adrian and instead focused his attention back to me. I wish I were a turtle and could simply crawl back into my shell and avoid the disappointment in his eyes.

"You should know better."

The steel in his voice hurt me and left a bitter feeling between us.

"He's telling the truth, nothing happened between us Comrade. I just needed someone to hang out with last night because I didn't feel too good after…dinner."

The words were unintentional as they left my mouth but I regretted them when I saw the flash of recognition across his eyes. I couldn't lie though if I wanted him to believe the truth about Adrian and me.

"This doesn't happen again or I will tell the head mistress. If you ever need help come to me instead Rose. I'll see you in an hour at practice."

His reply seemed short and forced as he turned on his heel and sped off back down the hallway. Shutting the door I pressed back against the wall and slid down to sit. Adrian quickly mimicked my patterns and sat straight across from me on the opposite wall before handing me my own cigarette. I almost declined but then I remembered the sweet taste of cherries before taking it from him. The gratification was instant as I felt my mouth and throat line with the smoke of the cloves. Slowly numbness began to spread through my throat and I was glad Adrian smoked these instead of normal tobacco cigarettes. He shuffled over to the table by the lounge chairs and came back with the Styrofoam cups from last night and flicked his ashes into it. There was a small sizzle and the faint smell of burning plastic filled the air but it was the best we had. I heard the cracking of his knees as he bent back down and I was tempted to make a joke about him being so terrible old but I bit back my tongue still feeling defeated from Dimitri catching us.

"He's not the warmest of fellows, though I can see why you like him. You've definitely got a thing for the older men."

Adrian smirked and winked at me with his full black lashes that fluttered like a crows wings. I could feel myself chewing on my fingernails between smoking and I knew I had destroyed them when I zoned out and tasted a faint metallic iron tang. I pulled my fingers away to see I'd chewed straight down to the fleshy bit of nail underside. I felt Adrian kneel over me and pull my hand towards his mouth before licking lightly at the little pool of blood on my finger tip. Dropping my hand he knelt so his head was beside my ear and whispered to me in a husky drawl.

"You taste delicious my dear."

A small quiver shook my body at his words and their double implication. Contain yourself Rose! Don't fall for his words! Remember the look on Dimitri's face! I shouted mentally at myself to keep myself from wanting to rip my dress off and throw it at Adrian's knees. Leaning back he looked me knowing I was debating with myself about it. We sat in silence for a few moments before I got up and made my way back towards the bedroom to rummage through my luggage for my work out gear.

"I've got to get to practice."

I felt him enter the room and begin putting his shirt on but he didn't leave. Instead he lent himself against the door frame and stared at me as I undressed. I regretted that I hadn't put on a bra last night but my back was turned so he couldn't see anything good. Sitting back on the bed I put on my shoes but he still didn't move. Just stood there and stared at me and I could feel the heat of his gaze melting against me.

Throwing some jeans and a t shirt into my gym bag I hastily threw it over my shoulder and looked up at his expectantly. What am I supposed to say? I'd never had a man overnight in my room, not like this. Turning he made his way out the door and I followed him to the door to the hallway. We paused and looked at each other and I was completely at a loss for words. What is even an appropriate parting for this moment? His hand reached up rested on my cheek stroking it with his thumb.

"I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed and sang me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. I think I made you up inside my head…"

The words felt familiar in my ears but I didn't know why and couldn't place from where.

"What is that from?"

My voice was quiet as I still pondered where I had heard them.

"It's from a poem by Sylvia Plath called Mad Girl's Love Song. It reminds me of you. A lot of her poems remind me of you."

His thumb was still blithely rubbing back and forth across my cheek. I knew the name but I couldn't remember much about her, only that I'd had to read one of her books in a literature class I took when Lissa and I were in Portland. Something about her nagged at the back of my mind but I couldn't remember what it was that I couldn't remember.

"Sylvia Plath…her name is so familiar and I can't remember why. Why does she remind you of me?"

He paused and bit at his lip as if searching for the right words.

"She was beautiful and lovely but with a dark edge to her. Driven by a feverous insanity that fueled her wit and words. She was that kind of girl that haunts you in your dreams."

I wanted to laugh but that nagging thoughts in the back of my mind was still pestering me.

"What happened to her?"

He bit his lip again but this time I knew he knew the exact words he wanted to say. The pause was that he wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle what he was going to say. I'd seen the look dozens of times anytime Lissa was hiding something from me, it was so easy to spot anymore.

"She killed herself."

The words hit me hard but before I could even process them I felt Adrian press his lips tenderly against mine before opening the door and walking out without a goodbye.


	9. Rosary Blue

_Hey guys! Thank you all so much for all your reviews, you're all so lovely! Here's the next one and I wanted to give you guys a chance to know how Dimitri was feeling when he found Rose with Adrian! This chapter is a bit short but next chapter will be them at the Practice and it'll be a lot longer. After that...then the real drama and action will begin! Song for this one is Rosary Blue by The 69 Eyes_

 **DIMITRI'S POV**

Pacing in my room I worried I was going to wear a hole through the floor if I kept it up any longer. Tasha had cornered me in a hallway earlier and tried to escalate things between us. I wanted so badly to try and make something happen with here so I wouldn't want to keep things up with Rose but it was hopeless. I could never give myself or my heart to Tasha when the only person who ever preoccupied my mind was Rose. Her silky dark chocolate colored hair was all I could think of when Tasha would flip her hair over her shoulders at me. I had to go and see Rose and just be near her. I should tell her about the gym downstairs and tell her that we're starting practice up again. That would be a good enough reason to see her. Pulling my hair back into a ponytail and grabbing my duster I made my way towards her room trying to keep my guardian demeanor up. It was a tough fight to do when all I wanted to do was sprint to her with a wide smile. I know there's a good chance she won't be happy to see me after what happened between us after dinner but I would make up for it in anyway I could.

Wait till she finds out that I told Tasha no to her offer. I can almost hear her screaming already knowing that I wouldn't be leaving her side. I would spend my whole life beside her with Lissa not being able to truly be with her and I wouldn't even mind. Just being around her was enough. Just being able to always know she's safe and see her smiles. My mind was running a million miles an hour as I found myself standing in front of her door. My Roza. I knocked impatiently and when no one answered I found myself knocking again restraining myself to not knock down the door off it's hinges.

When she opened the door I felt the breath leave my body. She was in a gorgeous velvet emerald dress that fell to her knees. Her hair was a giant mess but it just made my body ache to be the one to wake up to see that every morning.

"Rose…I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. What I said to you…what I said to you was wrong and just as out of line. It's hard for me sometimes to accept that you're wiser than your years."

I felt myself being hyper aware of how uncomfortable I was admitting to what I did yesterday. I still felt awful for treating her like that. I was holding her arm so tightly I wouldn't be surprised if she had bruises. I can't control myself when it comes to her though, it takes me all my strength to not fall to my knees at her feet and cling to her. I'd never in my life been so weak when it came to one person but Roza was my world, she was the ground that kept me on solid standing.

"It's okay, I said some things that were totally inappropriate and did sound pretty childish."

She relaxed and leaned against the door frame looking up at me with crossed arms. Her body said she was still on guard but her eyes told a different story. She looked me once again with a look that made me feel like I still had a chance to fix what was between us. Her eyes were looking about me as if reading me but I hoped she was just enjoying looking at me. I'm an egotistical man but the way she looks at me makes me feel like the strongest man in the world.

"So…are there any big plans today?"

Clearing her throat she shuffled a bit against the door frame and checked subjects.

"Yes actually, I've cleared a personal training room in the basement for us to get back to our lessons. I figured you'd be ready to get back to learning how to stake."

I could feel my guard slipping and a wide smile broke out on my face. I want so much to be alone with her. Watching her take down dummy after dummy with a grace no other woman guard held. She doubted herself so much but all I could see when she practiced was a woman who would make one of the greatest guardians. Her moves were fluid and directed with an intense passion that rivaled even my own.

"Oh you know it comrade; sure you just aren't excited to have your ass handed to you by me?"

Her small fist reached at me and punched me in the shoulder and I nearly lost my control then. Every little thing she does just drives me insane. Looking at her, she looks so happy right now. Not as sullen and upset as she has been lately. Seeing her smile back at me I felt my throat close a little bit tighter, nervous to be around her suddenly. How can such a small girl make me feel like a school boy in her presence? I felt like I was back in my own private school talking to the popular girl anytime we were close and she flirted lightly with me.

"Trying to leave me already little Dhampir?"

A voice came from behind her and I looked up to see a shirtless man wandering from her bedroom and towards us. The mood was instantly gone. I felt myself feeling so stupid for thinking that she still cared about me after the way I treated her. It was obvious she took me and Tasha to heart and had tried to move on as well. I glanced down at her while she looked back at him. She looked heartbroken. It pained me to see her like that. I knew that whatever was happening here she regretted it and that felt a bit better to know. A string of swear words ran through my head and I found myself muttering a few out loud.

"Eto piz dets…"

Luckily Rose didn't hear me but as the Ivashkov boy leant against the wall lighting a cigarette he smirked at me knowingly and I'd known he'd heard what I said clear as day. He knew what it meant too unlike Rose who would as always have no clue what was being said.

"So is this your infamous boyfriend?"

He kept his smirk and looked idly between me and Rose who now stood in stiff awkward positions unsure of how to approach this situation. What did he mean boyfriend?

"Why are you in a students room Mr. Ivashkov? This is highly against the rules as I'm sure you're well aware of. It is wildly inappropriate especially considering your state of undressing-"

My mouth moved before my brain followed that train of thought and I began to lay into the Ivashkov boy trying to contain my anger that was quickly rising in my voice. I didn't even make it half way into my speech before he rudely held up his hand to cut me off and begin speaking instead.

"First off, I'm not a student so the rules don't apply to me. Second off, you have nothing to worry about nothing happened between us I was simply looking out for a friend who needed company."

He made an exaggerated hand motion as if to say I'm innocent here. I wanted to stride into the room and throw him all the way against the wall and tell him just exactly how I really felt but I knew I couldn't. I knew there would be no use to keep directing myself at him. I tore my gaze away from him and back towards Rose who now shrunk back against the wall at the look in my eyes. It hurt to see her afraid of me but it hurt more to see her in a dark room alone with this man half naked. It hurt even more to know that if she was in trouble she would go to a stranger before coming to me when I'd all but pleaded with her to let me in.

"You should know better."

The ice in my voice burned me as I said the sentence. I didn't want to be so harsh to her, especially if there was a chance it would drive an even bigger wedge between us but I couldn't hold back my feelings.

"He's telling the truth, nothing happened between us Comrade. I just needed someone to hang out with last night because I didn't feel too good after…dinner."

That cut deep. I should have known she wouldn't come to me for help after I'd treated her like that. I glanced quickly down at her arms and saw a faint bruise outline on her forearm. I shouldn't have jumped the gun. No wonder she didn't come to me. I can't let her think I wouldn't still be here for her though. I looked back at her still bruised and crestfallen face and felt my core soften but kept my guard up still.

"This doesn't happen again or I will tell the head mistress. If you ever need help come to me instead Rose. I'll see you in an hour at practice."

Forcing myself to walk away I turn on my heel and took off back down the hall forcing myself to not look back at her. My body wanted to betray me and run right back and grab her and pull her against my body. Tell her that I still love her and that I will never stop loving her. Tell her that I had turned down Tasha's offer just to be with her. I couldn't do that though, there was a time and a place for everything and this wasn't that time. I'll have to just wait practice later when we're finally alone and away from prying eyes. I wasn't going to give up on my Roza.


	10. Moth

Sorry for the delay you guys! It's been a holiday weekend here so I've been jammed with family stuff. Everything is back to normal though so I will be able to keep updating more often again! :) Hope you guys like this chapter though and I'll have the next one up either later tonight or tomorrow. The song for this chapter is Moth by HellYeah !

The gym was two times the size of the one back at the Academy. The walls were high and loomed down upon me making me feel like an ant against its size. Black padding lined the bottom ten feet of the concrete walls and the lights lit up everything in a glowing fluorescent; stark in contrast to the dim lighting everywhere else in the hotel that was meant for the sensitive Moroi. It was obvious this place was built to perfectly fit all of the Dhampir who stayed here with their charges. Walking in the room I scanned idly for Dimitri only to find him sitting against a far wall with a book in his hand. I couldn't see what it was but I didn't need to, I knew it was one of his worn out and barely held together western novels that he loved so much. I've never been inclined to want to read for fun but a part of me wanted to read his cheesy western novels just to feel closer to him. Reread the words again and again to understand this little part of him and know all his favorite words by heart.

It felt so childish of me to want to keep him away for myself when he was needed by so many others. I just wanted to have this one thing for myself, this one thing that no one else could say wasn't more important than the Moroi. As I drew closer to him I felt more uncomfortable in my black baggy sweats and my old work out shirt. He stood and I took in all of him towering above me. He was in his usual black muscle tank top and comfortable but still fitted black work out pants. A small part of me wondered just where he found to hide his duster while he was without it.

"Glad you finally saw it fit to arrive, you're ten minutes late."

I opened my mouth to give an excuse but I stopped knowing he already knew what it would be. Cringing I remembered his stern and disconnected face when he saw Adrian in my room with me. Adrian. His words still wandered about the forefront of my mind. The desperate and insane form of a woman fluttered through the thoughts but I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be Anna or Sylvia Plath. I suppose it doesn't really matter considering they both met the same end. Was that really going to become me?

"Rose?"

Dimitri's voice shook me from my reverie and I found him looking down at me, brows furrowed and his look obviously concerned. I had grown so used to that look from him lately; all I do is worry him again and again.

"What are our plans for today?"

I didn't acknowledged what just happened and hoped he would take the hint to let it go. He was hesitant but did and then he began explaining what he wanted me to do for the lesson.

"I think we should use this time to get in some hand to hand combat. I believe it would be good for us considering the amount of aggressive tension that we've been finding holding against us."

He was talking about last night when we had the spat in the hallway. He was right though, as much as I'd rather be holding him another part of me wanted so badly to just fight him. Get out all of my physical tension I was holding against him and I'm sure he felt the same. If we couldn't sublet our tension sexually then we'd have to do with it what we do best and that meant fighting it out. He led us across to the middle of the room and we began the same familiar dance we always did. We circled around looking at each other like hawks looking to grab the same prey. This was one of the things that made me love him so; he treated me like his equal and not like the prey. I wanted to make the first move but I knew that it was better to let him strike first so I could work on my offensive moves.

He hand struck out and knocked me hard against the shoulder but I was ready for the blow and took his movement to move forward as well and strike him hard with my fist in the stomach to knock the air out of him. It worked and he pulled backwards to regain his breathe and footing and I took the moment of weakness to dive forward towards him to land another blow on him. He saw me coming the moment I made a step forward though and he dashed over to his left and I went face forward towards the ground and pushed my arms out to catch myself. I landed with a hard thud but my forearms took the worst of the impact and I flipped myself over as Dimitri lent over me to help me up.

His kindness for me was his biggest weak spot though and as he pulled me up I pushed him down and he landed hard not expecting the push. I jumped down upon him and pressed my still aching forearm against his throat while I straddled his chest.

"I believe this means I win."

I panted heavily as I pulled back my arm not realizing just how hard I had been pushing myself. He smirked beneath me and I could feel his chest rising and falling just as heavy as mine was beneath my body. I supposed I should move but I was enjoying too much how our bodies felt touching each other and I could tell from his lack of movement that he felt the same. It felt like bolts of small electricity were sounding back and forth between our bodies where they touched and it was both enticing and terrifying. No one else could make me feel like this, no one else could set my entire being on such an enticing path like him. I felt all the weight lifted off my shoulder whenever I was alone with him, not a single strand of darkness licked my soul when I was with him. I felt safe and secure just being in his presence and any of the blackness that was inside me cowered in his company.

"Do you know who Sylvia Plath is?"

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I even knew it and I felt his relaxed body tense a little under me. I desperately hoped that it didn't mean he wanted to get up but my worry was subsided as he stayed still underneath me and relaxed his head back against the wooden flooring.

"She was an American poet and author. Why?"

I didn't know where I was meaning to even go with my question so I tried to drop it.

"Nothing…I don't know why I even asked."

I felt him push up and I slid off of him onto the flor beside him while he sat up beside me.

"She's not taught at the Academy so there has to be a reason why you would ask and you know it Roza."

His affectionate pet name for me stung and I felt so guilty again.

"It's just something that someone said to me once about her. I don't really know, like I said I don't even know why I brought it up. You know how I am, my mind moved before my brain half the time."

It was a weak attempt at rebuttal and I knew it.

"What are you hiding from me Roza? What is it that hurts you so deep that you think you can't tell anyone? Are you afraid that I will judge you for whatever it is? You know that isn't true and it hurts me just as much to think you'd find me a person that callous."

His words were spoken like a whisper but they rang so loud in my ears. I felt my hand untangling the ponytail my hair was in and it came softly tumbling down upon me and I shuffled my head a bit to try and shield myself with it. I didn't want to see his face when I told him the things that I had been hiding but I knew it was time; I couldn't keep pushing him out.

"It isn't that I'm worried that you will judge me for it, I know you'd never do that. I'm mostly just ashamed of myself. I don't want you to know that I'm really this goddamn weak."

The words were brittle and broken as I spoke them and I felt a cry try and erupt in my throat but I suffocated it as quick as possible. I hadn't even said anything worth value to be crying already. I may be weak but I wanted to be able to say the words with enough valor that Dimitri didn't think I was such a child. I felt him scoot across the floor so that he was now sitting in front me. He kept enough space to respect how I was trying to hide myself but he moved a hand forward to hold onto one of mine to make sure I still knew he was there for me. I found my mind moving a thousand miles to try and find the words I wanted to speak but I felt at a loss when I felt his thumb brush back and forth against the back of my hand. He made all my words feel so intangible whenever he touched me.

"I've been having these…nightmares…and I've been seeing things that I don't think I should be seeing. And I can't deal with them, they scare me so much I just want to run from them and never stop running. I want to run until my feet bleed and my body collapses, just to be so fucking far away from these things. I can't though, I can't run, I have to stay idle and just let them crawl under my skin like little scorpions and just wait until they think it's the right moment to sting me. I've been doing things that are bad for me to keep them at bay though; things that momentarily take me away from all the bad feelings. They are things that I know you won't be too happy when you find out about them."

The words came pouring out of me like a tsunami and I almost felt winded when I'd finally stopped talking. I kept my hair hanging down in my face but I looked up at him and glanced through the strands. He looked at me with the fondest compassion and worry but I saw his free hand reach up and push my hair back and just held my face. His large hand was warm and I felt myself lightly nuzzle against it aching for this close feeling between us that I'd been waiting so long for.

"I feel so weak…everyone expects me to be so strong and brave and fight off every demon that walks in my path but I just can't sometimes. I get so burnt out trying to be this person I'm not and I find myself clutching at broken straws for something to save me. I'm just this tiny little moth being drawn closer and closer to an open flame sometimes. I just want something that will take all this agony away from me."

My voice was almost screaming it was so loud. I'd held these feelings in for long that they wanted to explode inside of me. I was a vat of pure toxic chemicals that was rumbling and ready to spill at any time and ruin all that was close to me and that's what scared me so much about having Dimitri close to me. At any moment I could explode and I would ruin him. If I really loved him could I risk ruining him?

"I know you're scared Roza but I promise you that no matter what happens I will always be here for you. You can't hold all these negative things inside all the time; it's going to hurt you. I know our circumstances make things hard but don't ever doubt that I…"

His stopped and I knew what words were coming next but I knew how much it would pain us both for them to be finally spoken out loud. I'd spent so many sleepless nights in my head echoing them over and over willing myself to not say them out loud around him. It would only complicate things even more but I wanted to hear them so badly from him. Hear his deep accent echo my own words back at me and look at me with the look I'd always loved to see from him.

"Nothing happened between me and Adrian."

I stole the awkward moment from him to replace it with my own and save him from his floundering. I felt his thumb now brushing against my face like his other one was doing just moments ago on my hand. I felt self conscious once again about my still battered face. I must have looked like a bruised fruit in the back end of super market bin but here he was still looking at me like an angel on earth.

"I know Roza…I know. Nothing happened between me and Tasha, I turned down her offer."

I felt the worlds largest smile break upon my face and he mirrored one right back and me and I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him. I didn't jump though, but I moved forward on my knees and grabbed him by the face. It felt like real bliss when our lips met. He kissed back and it felt like our lips were made for each other, we fit together so perfectly that it had to be true. It felt like forever as our mouths kept moving slowly against each other before it came to an end. We moved back just enough to see each others faces and we both wordlessly sat there wondering what would be the right things to say. I wanted to desperately to say those words.

"I love…"

An announcement over the speakers in the gym disrupted me though and I felt myself sigh out a breath I was holding so painfully.

"Everyone is requested for a meeting in Banquet Hall A."

The moment between us was broken and I felt Dimitri start to slip back into guardian mode as he stood on his feet and helped me up.

"Women's changing room is just outside to the left, you'd better put on your normal clothes I have a feeling this is going to be an important meeting."

As we exited the gym we started to part ways but I grabbed him by the hand first.

"Thank you for listening."

My voice was meek but they didn't need to be brave for him and I knew that.

"Please don't ever feel like you need to hide from me again Roza."

He looked around to see the hallway empty before leaning down and placing once more tender kiss on my lips before turning and walking away.

Curse whoever called this damn meeting.


	11. Strangelove

Things are starting to heat up at the resort and the situation with the Strigoi is only getting closer and closer... the song for this chapter is Strangelove by Depeche Mode :)

Chairs lined the banquet hall in long rows and nearly all of them were already taken. I searched the room for Lissa and felt her anxious feels vibrate through the bond before spotting her near the front with Christian. I noticed the trend of all the Moroi in the front and all the Dhampir in the back and white a sigh found myself sitting with a few other empty chairs in the very back. I hadn't seen everyone since last night and wasn't surprised when Mason caught eyes with me from a few rows up. He jumped up and began walking back towards me before plunking down in the chair beside me.

"You okay Rose? You ran off pretty quick last night and we weren't sure if we should go after you but then we saw Guardian Belikov…"

I was infinitely glad that they had seen him and decided not to follow after me that would have been a world of trouble I wasn't prepared for.

"Yeah I'm fine Mase, just been super agitated lately, ya know, woman problems."

He mouthed 'oh' and made a gross face at the implication I made and I stifled back a laugh as I felt someone sit in the seat on the opposite side of me.

"Hope you two aren't up to trouble already."

Dimitri's thick voice sounded in whispered tones beside me and I had to hold back the jolt that ran through my body from being so close to him again. Before I could make a smart ass comment back at him a man took stand at the podium and began tapping the microphone before speaking.

"This meeting has been called to make a…unfortunate announcement. Another family has been attacked and the security issue for the Royal families is only growing."

Shouting erupted across the room and nervousness shook my body as I felt Lissa trembling through the bond. I wanted desperately to run up to the front and stand by her side but I knew it wasn't my place and remained in my seat squirming around from all the tension. How were we going to stop this from happening? The strigois causing this even had humans working for them and it was obvious they had enough man power to take down guardians left and right.

"We have no hope against this!"

"How are they getting into these houses?"

"Why are the guardians letting this happen?"

"We should be sending them out younger!"

Voices were yelling from every side of the room and I could feel my head start spinning at all the noise. There was a massive pile up in my body from Lissa's anxious feelings and my body's own jittery motions from withdrawals. I found myself craving a cigarette so bad I could almost taste the smoke on my tongue. Mason and Dimitri were both sitting forward alert and glaring down every Moroi in the front making their pointless arguments and I found myself wondering if I could just slide out and underneath my chair without either of them noticing. My eyes began flittering around the room looking for a viable exit to leave through unnoticed when I caught someone looking back at me. Standing in his lazy pose against the door not far behind me was Adrian and he was wagging his finger at me to come towards him. Nervous feelings fluttered inside of my stomach and I worried that Dimitri would notice if I left the room with Adrian but his eyes remained fervently at the front of the room where Tasha had now started to take reign over the crowds conversation. I could feel a guttural growl rise in my throat out of instinct and I choked it back.

Excusing myself past Mason I wasn't surprised when they both momentarily looked at me but then went right back to listening intently to the conversation of the room. As I worked my way straight towards Adrian I could hear the crowd towards violent as Tasha's speech progressed.

"We should be training ourselves to fight along side the Dhampirs! We can't be leading these young adults into slaughter just for our own safety and not help them! We can use our magic against the Strigoi in fights, that's the way it was done long ago before we lost our pride!"

Well, at least she was doing something right for once and she had a point. The moroi's magic, especially the fire workers, would be excellent at fighting against the strigoi with the help of the dhampirs. As I reached Adrian he turned and led me out into the hallway and I followed him without question. The halls were eerily silent as we passed wordlessly through them. It was a stark reality to be so alone in this giant hotel and I found myself being reminded of the film The Shining as I stared down at the patterned carpet while we walked. I definitely did not need anymore supernatural beings in my life, especially not ghosts. When we finally stopped I found Adrian opening the door to a room I hadn't seen yet and was taken aback when I found we were standing in the biggest library I had ever seen.

Bookshelves towered above us and I wanted to scoff at the cliché old European style the moroi clung to so desperately. I felt like I was in the midst of an old Romanian castle looking around at all the leather bound books gathering an incomprehensible amount of dust. Adrian walked towards a gathering of giant plush leather seats and I followed suite, landing in the one farthest across from him. In his usual manner he lit a cigarette before tossing one and his lighter at me. I was slowly beginning to get accustomed to his presence solely because he could read me so well and didn't expect explanations.

Relaxing in the chair with a good dose of nicotine already in me I laid my head back in the chair and found myself straight up at the decorative ceiling, tracing my eyes over the antique brown paint that was starting to peel. I could feel his eyes boring holes all over my body but I couldn't be bothered to deal with it and just ignored him keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling. I wanted a moment to just remain blank but still in the back of my mind I could see the bodies of the Badica's all over again. Dried blood soaking into the carpet and the smell of decay clinging to the air haunted my memories. Once again I could picture the slashed open throats ripe with disfigured tendons and the haunting empty glazed over eyes of the victims. What I wouldn't give to be rid of these mental images.

"You transfix me so."

His voice echoed over to me and I wanted to look back at him but I kept my position not wanting to give him the satisfaction. I could almost feel him smirking though knowing that I was doing it on purpose. He was the oddest and most bothersome man I had ever met. He was kind though; I couldn't just forget how he held me with no expectations last night and chased my nightmares away. There was an unnerving bond forming between us and my better half knew I should sever it before I let him get too close to be but the other half felt comforted knowing that I didn't have to tell him what was wrong with me for him to understand. It was bad enough that I still had yet to fully explain to Dimitri was going on with me I didn't need to have to worry about explaining it to two people.

"Do you think that they're going to be able to catch these undead scumbags?"

My voice sounded strangled from the way my head and neck was angled but it still rang out clear between us.

"I don't quite know little dhampir, but I'm sure the Queen will do everything within her power to make sure that they do…eventually."

His voice was lacking the confidence I was hoping for.

"You know you're really not the best at making people feel better."

I spoke back feeling my normal amount of sarcastic wit back again and smirked to myself.

"I do know other ways to make people feel better if you'd let me little one…"

I could hear his body rustling out of his chair and before I knew it he was leaning over the chair with both hands on each arm rest giving me barely three inches between our bodies. I looked up at his face which was now almost bearing down on me and searched his eyes for a hint of anything. It was obvious from his body he was radiating pure lust but there was something else in his eyes, something that meant more but it was just beyond my grasp.

"You know I can't do that."

My voice lacked the gusto I wanted and instead came out rather soft. Like a tiny plea to maintain the dignity I wasn't sure if I even had anymore.

"Your boyfriend right? You know you guys aren't official; we don't have to be either. Just think of it like a friend with benefits. You can't deny that you aren't the least bit turned on by what happens between us, don't you just want to have a little fun?"

His body sunk a little closer to mine and I could feel his breath on my face as he talked and yearned at the smell of liquor on his mouth. Fun was something that I hadn't truly had in so long that I was tempted by his offer and I let him stay above me but I made no move to close the distance. I could still feel Dimitri's lips on mine from earlier and I wasn't about to let that feeling go. We stayed silent for a long moment before Adrian sighed and placed himself in the chair beside mine.

"I understand your hesitance but I also know how painful it is for you to sleep. I'm going to give you a proposition and take your time to think it over. I expect nothing sexually from you if you don't want it, I'm not going to push you into anything you don't want, but I also feel more content sleeping with someone else near and I wouldn't mind keep you from your nightmares."

The offer settled between us and I rolled my head over so that I was looking directly at him. He no longer looked arrogant and sultry but instead quite somber and maybe a bit sad. It was obvious that he meant what he said and I wasn't surprised to hear that he had his own sleeping troubles. I wanted to be able to say no right there and be confident in it but I knew I had to talk to Dimitri first. I would have to ask him if he would stay the night with me to find out if he was really willing to help me before knowing if I would have to turn to Adrian.

"I have a certain matter to take care of first, and then I will give you an answer. Give me until tomorrow night."

He looked back at me and gave me an understanding nod before standing to his feet and standing before me with an open hand.

"Agreed. Now we best be getting back to the meeting before anyone notices our absences. I wouldn't want your boyfriend trying to fight me now would I?"

I laughed at the joke but on the inside it stung me deep every time he called Dimitri my boyfriend, knowing that I wasn't even sure what we were. As we walked back to the banquet room I found myself pondering if what I was doing was a mortal sin. I had never really given any thoughts to the religious aspects of the Academy and its church services but I had sat through enough to hear the common dos and don'ts. If this was sinning though, I realized it made life a lot more enjoyable than what the opposite would be. Adrian was only a few inches ahead of me but I found my eyes scanning idly over his body. He was lean but fit like most moroi men and had a magnetic pull of dark charisma that radiated off of him in waves. It was obvious why dhampir women fell so easily for the moroi men when they carried themselves like they did but it was also part of why I found myself wanting Dimitri more. He still had his human side just like me, he was tall but built and his skin had a tan glow to it that reminded me of the sun. It was ironic that I was drawn to men who reminded me of both the sun and the moon.

When we quietly slid into the banquet hall we found that the screaming from earlier had only intensified and that chaos was on the verge of fully breaking out. I glanced over at my vacant seat from earlier to find both Mason and Dimitri gone and wondered where they had went off to. Adrian tapped me on the shoulder before leaning quickly over my ear.

"I don't think we actually need to stick around for this, it looks like it's about to get violent."

He was right and after pushing myself into the bond and seeing Lissa was in the dinning hall with Christian and Mason I knew where I wanted to be instead. We headed back out and this time I led the way as I made a bee line towards the dinning hall. Something had happened in the down time that me and Adrian had been off and I was about to find out just what it was.


	12. Come Wander With Me

Eep! Sorry for the delay again guys I just got a new job and I have been absolutely knackered between it and preparing for my grandparents to come visit. This chapter is a bit dark but I'm sure you'll all be on your seats at the very end wanting to know what's about to happen next and I promise it will be good! The song for this chapter is Come Wander With Me/Jeff Alexander it's from an old episode of the Twilight Zone and it's super eerie

Things had become a frenzy in the meeting not long after we had snuck off according to Lissa. Soon it had become an active debate over if the dhampirs should be sent out younger than eighteen and spiraled into Tasha showing off her use of magic for fighting purposes and almost burning a woman sweater. I was almost upset we had missed such a pivotal moment but then I realized it would have only made me feel even more tired. I was bleeding out exhaustion lately and I feared too much loss would make me fall to the ground in a collapse. I found myself fading in and out of attention span during the lunch hour with the group and I was trying to ignore Mason's pleading glares at me. I had paid him little attention since we had got here and he was itching for more of my time. I had momentarily thought I could try and be with him, have a normal relationship. Try and act like a normal teenager for once but I realized pretty quickly how awful that would be. I couldn't just use him like that, it wasn't fair and I wasn't about to ruin another persons life. I was already on a hot streak with that lately. I didn't need to add another tally to the score.

Adrian had hovered close to me the whole meeting and it was even harder trying to ignore the charge in the air between us. I tried to think of Dimitri every time I felt myself getting too close to Adrian. It was a tireless battle that only fatigued me even more. Bed time couldn't come soon enough and I wanted to laugh out loud bitterly at the fact that I was actually wanting sleep for once. I had spent so long lately trying to avoid sleep at all costs and keep my nightmares at bay. Once everyone started to part ways I excused myself and they reluctantly let me go off alone. They all left quickly except Adrian who stood hesitant looking at me. I gave him a stern nod.

"Remember what I told you, I have something to take care of first then I'll let you know."

He nodded back in understanding and I waited until he took off fingering the pack of cigarettes in his hands. I didn't need anyone with me for what I was about to do.

The hallways were quiet as most people had already wandered off to their rooms to settle in for the vampire night. Before I knew it I was standing outside of Dimitri's door and I stared for just a moment too long at the white paint of it. There were small chips forming around the eye hole in the middle and I wondered hesitantly if he would look through it and not answer if he saw it was me. It was a petty moment of girlish fever and I knew he would never do that to me, even if he had been told some of what was wrong with me earlier. I felt like such a monster anymore. I didn't tell anyone but sometimes when I looked in the mirror I could see a freakish distortion of me looking back. One with pallid ghost skin and dark eyes with a ring of crimson that would almost seep from my eyeballs it was so vivid. It scared me more than anything I had ever seen and that's what scared me most, the thing that made me cower in fear, was me.

My hand reached up finally and I beat against the door with a tight resolve that echoed a little too loudly through the hall and I flinched at the loud sound. I stood idly trying not to shake while I waited. What if he wasn't even in his room? Fuck. I hadn't thought that far ahead, I was just winging it at this point. Winging it was what I did best though so I figured it was a solid plan. I almost turned and ran when I felt my feet begin to bounce on their soles but just as I was about to take off thinking how awful of an idea this was, the door opened.

"Rose? What's going on?"

His voice was mild and I realized he was only in his black work out sweats. I had caught him just as he was going to bed. There was a slight dreamy haze in his eyes but as he looked over me at me still slightly trembling and bouncing on my feet it cleared away and he came back fully alert.

"Oh, no, nothing to panic about I just...wanted to talk to you since we got interrupted earlier and I figured that..."

I was fidgeting with my hands and probably looked worse off than a blood whore who hadn't gotten a hit all day. I wasn't really sure what I was going to say to finish that sentence. I was always at a loss for words around Dimitri.

"I understand. Come on in I've got time."

He pulled back from the door and I followed him in. The layout was identical to my room and we found ourselves sitting gin two chairs that reminded me of the same situation I was in with Adrian in my room last night. That was the worst thing to be thinking of when I was around Dimitri and I shoved the thought back into the confines of my mind. We sat in a long silence and I wasn't sure who was supposed to talk first but it soon became obvious he was waiting for me to say something.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say."

Great, Rose. Just great. Could I be anymore terrible at this?

"Just tell me what you want to tell me. There's no pressure Roza. You must be here for a specific reason that you didn't think could wait. Is that a good place to start?"

He looked at me and brought a hand to his mouth. Could he be feeling as uncomfortable as me? I pondered the thought too long as I watched him idly chew against his thumb.

"It's just...the nightmares have been getting more vivid lately and I don't like to be alone at night and I was just wondering if...well since you said that I should come to you if I had any problems..."

My words were quickly turning into word stew and I was tongued and stopped even trying. I made a flustered sigh that bleated out of my lungs. I was almost sure that'd collapse from an immense pressure of embarrassment and worry. Exhaustion wore me like a tight fitting suit and I was ready to fall asleep at any moment. Most people would be glad to fall asleep with ease but that was always so much worse for me. If I fell asleep unprepared my death in the dream would always be much more vivid and I would almost feel my neck snapping. The dream strigoi would know that I was weak and he would look at me like the primest steak in the deli. I involuntarily shuddered at the memory.

"Oh Roza...I meant what I said, I meant that you should always come to me but you know...you know that I can't stay the night with you. Even if we both know that nothing is going to happen it's crossing the line and god knows if anyone saw me leaving your room it would only raise red flags for the both of us and-"

He was beginning to go into the same old speech I had heard so many times and I wanted nothing more than to cry. I stopped him mid speech though, I wasn't about to listen to it right now.

"No you're right I'm sorry I just...thought I would ask. Don't sweat it."

I tried to stay cavalier and calm but I was sweating like a bullet and was a fraction away from bursting into gut wrenching sobs. I threw myself up to my feet and made a quick head nod towards the door before nearly sprinting my way out. I could hear him behind me calling to me, trying to tell me to be ration about things. I was the farthest from rational that I had been in a long time though and I began a full out from his room door back down several halls to my own.

I thought for a moment about going to Adrian to tell him that I would take him up on his offer but I was already in a pretty worse for wear state and figured i'd save me pride for at least this night. I had already bared my soul and lost it in front of one man, I didn't need to make it two. Locking the door behind me I started peeling off my clothes as I headed towards the bedroom before finding myself standing in only my knickers. There was a light stinging from my leg and I looked down to see the swelling and angry pink lines that etched across my skin.

Remorse banged in my chest for a second but then I felt a new sensation cover it up. A want surged inside of me and I felt myself craving the physical pain again, I wanted to feel the blood seeping from my body. I felt disgusting just picturing it but I couldn't get rid of the feeling. I headed back out into the sitting room catching sight of the wine bottles that Adrian had left. Grabbing an open one I headed towards the bathroom to take a bath while taking a large gulp of the dusky red wine.

It was nothing compared to the burn of vodka but it was sweet with a large note of bitter that soothed my nerves. I was standing on edge with anxiety and kept drinking while I waited for the tub to fill. I had turned it on full heat and the room was quickly swarming with steam. It felt like I was in a dream as the steam rose upon me and I felt my fingers twirling the razor in my hand. The handle was bone dry and I felt my grip on it tighten easily. I first brought it to my wrist. It was a dangerous feeling. Like I was a naughty child playing with fire. Something that shouldn't be doing but no one could stop me. The feeling was pure intoxicating and I felt my head swimming as the alcohol was beginning to really hit me. Everything was like a dream, but a hell of a lot different than my actual dreams. What if I stopped the dreams? What if I beat the dream strigoi to the job?

My throat closed a little as I swallowed hard realizing what I was actually thinking. When had I become this low? I felt my hand pulling up further and rested near the crook of my elbow. It was out of the woods but still close enough that I still felt like I was on the edge of something potentially dangerous. The thrill was still there and I found myself craving the blood. It was a sick thought, I was craving blood just like all the undead in my world but instead of wanting the blood to live, I wanted the blood to feel a little bit closer to death.

I wanted to teeter along the edges of this world and the next. I heard once in a myth that those who die unseen become vampires. It was total nonsense since I lived in a world with real vampires and knew that they had to be made and if you were made a vampire, you were made a strigoi. The vampires in this myth were more like a mix of the two. Sullen and retained their human qualities, but with a silent lurking bloodlust just like the strigoi. The thought was strange and I had no idea why it had fluttered into my mind. Did...did I want to become a vampire? The strigoi were so strong and I was one of the most advanced in my physical fighting strengths...imagine if I had that on top of the strength of a strigoi...I could be unstoppable. The strongest of the strong. I would never have to have all the responsibilities that I was given in this life either. Never would I have to worry about giving my life to someone else. I would be able to do whatever I pleased.

The thought was so tempting. It made me feel violently sick to even think it though and I pushed the blade deep against my skin and sliced again and then again. I had dug it so deep that the blood rush was immediate and I curled my toes at the sensation of pain that jolted up my arm. It was a disgusting pleasure that I never wanted anyone to know about. Except Adrian. For some reason I was okay with him knowing, only because he had done the same before. He didn't have any new marks though, he wasn't like me completely. He had defeated that demon and I already never wanted to let this one go. This demon had crawled under my skin and began to fester until it took control of my brain. Dripping blood and feeling dizziness begin to seize my mind I slipped down into the now almost over flowing bath and sunk down not even bothering to stop the water.

My mind was a myriad of blurs and confusing racing thoughts. Part of me was frenzying that I couldn't feel my body and wanted to punch myself until I felt something but I couldn't even summon he strength to move my arms. As I started to fade out into the sleep that had been calling me for hours I heard a pounding on the door to my room but it was far past my concern at this point...all that matter to me now was the darkness descending upon me and what was lurking in that darkness. The last thing I could hear was the voice of the looming strigoi in my nightmares calling out to me, beckoning me into his arms.

"Come wander with me..."


	13. Out Of This World

Next chapter shall see the return of the terrifying monsters haunting poor Rose's mind and this time they've gotten even more horrifying. I am sorry to disappoint those who wanted it to be Dimitri at the door, but their time for revelations hasn't come just yet. I was quite serious about making this a pretty long story so I promise you, all in good time! The song for this chapter is Out Of This World by Bush. Hope you all are prepared for whats coming next!

 **Adrian POV**

I kept waiting for her to show up at my door. I kept waiting for her to tell me that he had turned her down and needed me. What they had seemed untouchable even to a new outsider but even I could see the flickering waves that passed between them. I could see her drowning as he was already breaking the shore. I couldn't be anything like him for her, but I did want to save her. It was a desperate mix of redemption for my past sins and having been in her shoes before. I was drowning too but I was far enough up to keep her from sinking into the blackest of ocean floor. Maybe in time we could save each other. At least I wanted to think so. God knows I never really get anything right, anyone who looked at me just saw a drunken fool who couldn't even blend well with the royal society.

A song played inside my head and I hummed out loud to the familiar noise. I couldn't remember where I had heard it but it fit my feelings so well. I found my lips tracing the syllables of the words lowly to myself to try and give myself a distraction.

 _When we die…  
We go into the arms of those who remember us…_

Pacing and pacing and pacing and the clock kept ticking and ticking and ticking. My head began to spin as my shoes were soon to wear a pattern into the expensive carpet. I couldn't just wait around I had to go lurk around her door. It would seem sleazy but then again who's to say that's not exactly what she thinks of me, it's what most people think of me. God was I going to stay here all night pity arguing with myself?

Grabbing my pack of cigarettes off the bed I started in a quick walk down the maze of hallways straight towards hers. My feet moved like I was on ice, the acute precision was definite and I knew like the back of my hand where her room was already. Everything felt irrational and frenzied inside of my head as I tried to sustain an ounce of dignity as I knocked on her door. There was no answer but I could hear water running beyond the door. Ah, her in the shower. That was a thought I could think of for a long time. My mind wanted so hard to wander down that path of thought but then I noticed the carpet was squishing underneath my feet. The edge just outside the door was soaking wet. Something was definitely wrong.

 _Out of our heads…  
Out of our minds…_

Being a reject with an affinity for the criminal was finally going to pay off as I pulled a paper clip from the depth of my pocket and began fiddling with the lock on the door to get it open. Time seemed to pass at the pace of slugs as I felt the worry rising in my chest wanting to just break the door down all together. The lock gave way and I barreled towards the bathroom door throwing it open.

Nothing could have prepared me. Not a damn thing in this world could have prepared me for what I was going to find. Her head was bobbing just barely above the water and her body was nude except for a pair of panties. That wasn't what I was looking at though. I was looking at the rosy pink water that was overflowing around her. Her arm was underwater but it still continued to seep and I was hit with a wash of disgust and arousal. The primal need within me was too much to bear when I was faced with so much open blood but I pushed it far, far, back. Thrusting my arms down into the water I pulled her out and laid her down on the pastel blue tile floor. I checked desperately for a pulse and almost cried with I found it. It was there but she was distance and off in god knows what spot in her mind. It was better than being near death though. It was better than thinking I had found her already gone.

 _Out of this world…  
Out of this time…_

There was nothing I could do to bring her back just yet. I glanced the near empty wine bottle and knew she was probably blacked out far enough that only she could wake herself up. Clutching for the towel on the counter I sunk down to the floor with her and pulled her body up towards me while wrapping the towel around her like a snug cocoon. Her head lulled against my now sopping wet chest and I found my free hand stroking against her hair. My breathing was heavy and I didn't know why at first but then I realized. I was crying. Sobbing like a wounded dog at her presence. Suddenly I was almost glad she wasn't awake, I had never cried in front of anyone. I felt beyond pathetic how wrapped up I already was in this girl but she was so special it was obvious to everyone. I could see how those closest to her adored her even if she didn't see it herself. She thought she was all alone in this and didn't even notice the handful of people who where there for her if she just looked hard enough.

 _Are you drownin' or wavin'?  
I just need you to save me…_

A chill vibrated through the air as the air condition kicked on and it didn't bother me but I felt a small shiver pulse through her body and I pulled myself to my feet with her in my arms. I had to get her warm. It felt like an invasion of privacy so large even I felt dirty but there really was no choice. I knew if I had alerted any of the guardians she would only be in trouble and would more than likely blame me. Taking her into the bedroom I set her on the bed as I dug through a pile of clothes she had already amassed. Finding an oversized and thick sweater and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms I slowly unwrapped her from the damp towel and the shiver only grew with the new exposure. I tried to avert my eyes as I got the sweater over her head and her arms in it. The flannel bottoms were a lot easier and I pulled her into my arms once more to drag back the bed sheets and lay her underneath them. I waited for a sign of relief or anything that would give away that she was in a good place where ever she had floated off too. Instead I was greeted with a grimace and a tiny whimper that would have been unnoticeable to human ears.

Where ever she was, she wasn't happy. Walking back into the sitting room I grabbed the arm of one of the giant plush chairs and dragged it into the bedroom setting it beside the bed. My shirt was so wet it was dripping and I unbuttoned it before throwing it down on the floor. Pulling my slightly damp and crushed cigarette box out of my pants pocket I lit one and inhaled deep enough it would scratch the surface of my aching soul. My eyes were sore and it hurt to look near the blinds where little slivers of sunlight tried to filter through. Standing up I pulled close the curtains until pitch darkness enveloped the room and waited the moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I could still see her frowning in her sleep, now grasping tightly at the blankets until they were pulled close against her.

A few treacherous long moments passed until I stamped out my cigarette on the back of my hand. The burning hit immediately and I could hear the sizzling of my skin but it didn't phase me. Nothing was going to connect with me tonight after what had happened, I was blinded by the panic still. Dropping the butt to the floor I felt myself sink back into the chair. The leather felt slick against my wet bare skin and I sighed deeply before closing my eyes and pushing myself against her mind, and writhing gradually into her cavernous dream world.

The first thing I heard was a bloodcurdling scream.

And the first thing I saw was the bodies.


	14. Little Note!

This is just a little note and then later I will be posting the next chapter, but I wanted to answer this question Luciinwaters asked and I'm sure a couple others have wondered it as well! The end game for the story is Romitri, I started this with all intents of the story ending with Rose and Dimitri together! The only reason that there is also heavy Rose/Adrian is because I always loved in the books how they had they weird pull to each other even if Rose knew that in the end she didn't want him. So it's is kind of a split story, only because I really want to path out how with both of them she has this intense relationship but still in the end knows in her heart that it's Dimitri she belongs with. There's just so many stories I've read where Rose just straight up uses Adrian and belittles his character and her feelings for him almost and I wanted it to be made sure with mine that it's obvious they do have something with each other and there are real feelings, but in the end it's just not what is the best for her. (kinda like in the novels but I wanted to buckle up on their physical connection and such) Once I round the bend on the point where I want the second half of the story where she encounters her nightmares in real life and such then it will fold over from being heavily Rose/Adrian to heavily Rose/Dimitri I promise! There's a reason to everything that's happening that will make sense in the end. She is in such a fragile position and there's no way for Dimitri to truly completely understand why she's feeling like this which is why Adrian is in this position for now. Emphasis on the angst tag on this story haha, but I swear Romitri shippers we are slowly nearing the point for Rose and Dimitri to make their connection. 


	15. Should Be Higher

**Chapter Fourteen / Should Be Higher**

Note: Hello friends there is no need for upset reviews. I understand that this is a complicated fic with a lot of amoral fiascoes and that this is just not some people's cup of tea. If you don't like the way I write or the plot, you don't have to continue reading I completely understand. I have a very set ending for this story and for everything to work out the way it should things get very tangled in the personal relationships between the characters. In guidance, Dimitri and Rose are NOT in a relationship at this point. They are still in that point of where Rose understands only that Dimitri wants to keep it strictly Student/Teacher relationship because of his position and her age. Yes they are still emotionally devoted to each other but it's something that's unspoken it's not that what is happening between her and Adrian is cheating because there has not yet been any confirmation between her and Dimitri on what they are. Thus why Rose was so conflicted before whenever Adrian would jokingly call Dimitri her 'boyfriend' that was said in a flippant manner and not factual. And Rose is never going to 'flaunt' what is happening between her and Adrian, it is generally a very private matter what is happening between them and that's what their tryst is planned out to be, it's something that happens because two very damaged people want to latch onto someone else that understands their problems but often relationships like that only damage people further. I really can't say anything further without giving away what I plan to unfold into the story. It's kind of like how in the books there was a large segment where she was Adrian and there were the large segments where she was with Dimitri. I just have this charted to start with the segment of her and Adrian and then it will turn into how she comes to finally find herself with Dimitri. I am sorry for any confusion and I apologize to those of you who do not like how the story is going and have invested time only to find out that you don't like the story anymore. It's never my intention to perturb readers but it is an in-progress project and changes seem more intense when you can't read things in their full form. Now onward to the story for the rest of you! J The song for this chapter is Should Be Higher by Depeche Mode (sorry they're my favorite band I'm obsessed)!

 **Adrian POV**

It had always been my forte to create the dream and pull someone else into it with me. Finding my way into someone else's dream was always jarring and I couldn't fully control what was going to happen so I had to tread with caution. I walked out of the shadows to find I was in the courtyard of Rose's school and a few feet ahead of me she was walking towards the other side of the school. Her form was jolting but magnificent in a floor length blue velvet dress that almost glowed in the pale moonlight. I wanted to run to her and shake her to know I was there but if I was ever going to understand why she was so scared I was going to have to see with my own eyes what it was. Standing still I watched as she pushed forward, her movements lithe and graceful. I saw it before she did though. From the depths of the shadows against a wall a towering Strigoi came out and moved towards her with determination. She didn't look just at him though her eyes were scanning all around him and that's when I noticed the bodies. Dead bodies just stacked upon one another like heaps of bricks. There was blood pouring from the bodies and oozing down across the pavement. There was one thing here though that set this apart from a normal nightmare. I could smell the blood. It was real.

Generally night terrors are vivid for the dreamer and things seemed real enough but this wasn't just vivid, this was prophetic. A terror shook through my spine as I realized what this meant. This wasn't just a torment in her mind. This was something that was going to actually happen. I knew it couldn't just be seeing all these bodies that shook her up so much when she was awake and I feared at what was going to happen next. Then I heard the screaming and saw her running back towards the building and flying in so fast the door almost came off its hinges. Lunging forward I took after her seeing the Strigoi move back into the shadows. I knew we would be seeing him again but I was thankful for a moment out of his eyesight. He was a terrifying specter and it was obvious he only had murder on his mind.

The halls all started to blend together and it was clear that I was lost having never been in this school before. I listened as closely as possible to hear a trace of Rose's presence only to find there was a soft padding of feet hitting the tile flooring not too far off from me. I took off again towards the sound and only slowed when I heard it without my extra senses. Peaking around a corner I spotted her and felt my heart drop when I saw him again descending upon her. I waited for her to run, to make her way back my way and get as far from him as possible but she didn't move. He was within arms grasp in a moment and held onto her, clasping his giant talon hand around her throat. She dangled in his grip kicking her legs back and forth in a doomed effort to wiggle out from his hand. There was a disgusting sound of something being crushed that reminded me of cardstock paper being crumpled and I realized with a sick twist it was her windpipe collapsing in between his hand. I could feel vomit and bile rising in my throat and I wanted to crawl back out of this dream but I couldn't, not until it was done. His head moved into the crook of her neck and for a moment I almost thought he was whispering too hair underneath her hair but then I smelled blood again and I knew it was much worse. He pulled away and without even seeing her face I knew she had that glazed over feeder look and probably didn't even know what was happening. His mouth was the color of ripe cherries and the blood smeared all across his chin. It wasn't just her blood on his lips though and that's what scared me most. With the provocative and sinister intent he pressed his mouth against hers parting her lips and spit the blood into her mouth.

Within an instant she was dropped back to her feet and before there was any chance of her reacting, both his hands grabbed the sides of her head and a deafening crack echoed through the hallway. She dropped completely. A nauseating wicked laugh followed and he knelt down beside her form and stroked her matted hair with the most repulsive predatory look on her face. He knew what was coming next. I didn't want to see it; I didn't want to accept that it might actually happen. I kept waiting for the next horror, waiting for the next unspeakable action to happen but then I felt the tremor.

The dream world was collapsing as she fell into deep sleep and I was violently pushed out of her mind. I work with a jolt and near earned a leather rub burn on my back. I was sweating profusely and had almost molded myself into the leather with all the heat and sweat. Leaping to her side I bent down above her to make sure she was okay. I knew she was beyond worse for wear but her breathing was starting to level out and the grimace on her face had been replaced with a blank look. It was better than nothing and I paced back to my chair grabbing my shirt off the floor beside it. I wasn't going to leave her alone for the night but I needed something to drink. Peaking out the curtains the sun was blinding and in the middle of sky so I knew I had the time to take a break. I only prayed that she wouldn't wake in my absence and do anything regretful.

The resort was dead silence and I could only imagine most people who were awake and talking were in a secluded room arguing in hushed tones over the startling news in the meeting earlier. If the moroi were looking to start an all out war they were going to get it with the way they were going about things. I wanted to debate with myself the politics of the matter but all I could think of was the face of that Strigoi. Him holding Rose's body like a rag doll and crushing her windpipe. Spitting blood into her mouth and snapping her neck. A shudder threatened to convulse my whole body at the thought and I shook it off hard to keep from thinking about it. Nearing the bar not far from the kitchens I could hear voices. I was not in the mood to have to deal with anyone right now. Gliding up I made an effort to catch no ones attention. There were guards and several moroi all gathered up talking and discussing things. As I ducked down to the storage on the underside of the back of the bar counter I heard a familiar thick Russian voice talking near the bar.

"It's just better if I stay in my current position I'm sure you understand."

A female just as close sighed and I listened intently to their words.

"No Dimka,I don't understand. Don't you want a family? I could give you that. I would be sad to say that I wouldn't also want your affections but that part I can understand. Things take time. I would give you time. I am giving you time. I know you already said no but…just think about it okay? You could have a child Dimka. You'd be an amazing dad."

There was a long pause and I could hear him swallow roughly.

"We'll….we'll see okay?"

She cooed over the man and I knew from the nickname she must mean Dimitri. What was she talking about? Is this what Rose has been so upset about with him? I felt bad for him though in a weird way. He had this woman pawing all over her and offering to give him something most dhampir men dreamed of and yet he was turning it down because of whatever he felt for Rose. Jealousy spiked inside of me and I felt wrong for having feelings for her as well. I didn't want to be a filler person for her, but if it was the only thing I'd ever get with her I'd almost be okay with the eventual heartbreak. It wasn't the first time it had happened to me, but it would probably be the only time I'd willingly allow it.

I didn't want to hear anymore of their conversation and began sneaking back out the door unnoticed and headed straight back to Rose's room. I was still confused and muted by my own emotions knowing this would never end well but I was going to make sure I at least spent my time with her making it worth it for her. A small part of me still hoped that Dimitri would take Tasha's offer so she would want to be with me but even that felt painfully selfish knowing it would hurt her. I was always a selfish person though and bad habits die hard they say. The door was still slightly ajar so I could get in and I locked it behind me before finding my way back to my leather seat. Rose was still deep asleep and I settled down opening the bottle of bourbon in my hands with a resigned sigh.

This girl was going to be the death of me.


	16. New Note!

Hey guys just another quick note! I just started a certification class last week and I have been SWAMPED with classwork and homework. I have NOT abandoned this story I swear! I just have zip for free time as I catch up on work this week. I promise to have two new chapters posted this weekend or maybe even three to make up for how behind i've gotten! Once again I appreciate so much those of you who read the story and are really interested in whats going to happen, it will be good! Forgive me for my delays I promise it's bugging me too that I haven't been able to post :(


	17. The Hearse Song

There was a trouble brewing in the mountains that whipped the wind down on the towns and rattled the trees. Something in the spirit world was churning heavy and pressing down upon the world of the living to warn of it's incoming doom. The most of the people didn't pay it no ill attention but those who were weary in their bones and connected to the dead could feel it. It created a random static presence in the air that sent little shocks through their brainwaves. It hungered for attention; it clamored for someone to notice it. The pleads of the dead were obvious to those listening and they had news that only reeked of death.

Though the wind couldn't pierce the walls of mortal buildings a small sullen girl inside a room shook feeling the supernatural beings crawl underneath her skin trying to rouse her. She cling against herself kicking her legs to try and feel for the blanket that she'd wormed out of in her sleep. Finding she wasn't going to get any warmth without moving she started to wake against her bodies will. As her eyes widened only the slightest she found herself looking through blurry film around the room. Dusky sunlight flittered through the just slightly opened curtains and it took her a solid moment before she noticed a figure standing at the end of her bed.

It wasn't a corporeal being that looked down upon her numbly but one that dwelled only with a spiritual body. It was translucent with a shimmering glow that gave it an ethereal halo. The girls eyes widened to the size of half dollars and she stared in a daze at he being. For moments they stayed that way; looking at each other with a strange curiosity. Though the being held no colors it was apparent to see that she was a young women in only her early twenties. She was dressed in only a simple dressing night gown and her hair floated lightly at the tip of her shoulder blades. There was a certain air of sadness that hung around her and pervaded all spaces around her.

"Are you an angel?"

The frail girl in the bed croaked out to the woman. A voice didn't answer her but the spirit shook it's head in a soft no at her to signal her answer. Thoughts began to flicker endlessly across the girls mind and she didn't even know where to begin. Most in this situation would be frightened at such an alarming situation but the girl didn't waver when she took notice of the being. She had seen them before. Though she had never acknowledged their existence, she had seen them and continued to deny that she could. The otherworldly can be unnerving even to those who are well versed in it.

"Are you...a ghost?"

The woman nodded her head a heavy yes and the sadness bore into her eyes and echoed between them. Whatever she was here for, wasn't anything good.

"Do you have something that you have to tell me? Is something going to happen?"

Again, she gave another heavy yes and the girl sighed outwardly wishing that the ghost would just tell her already what she had come to say. The girl wasn't the most patient of people and truth be told she just honestly wanted to get back to sleep. Living in a world full of the supernatural was tiring and ghosts were no exception. In fact they were even more tiresome, even in a world full of vampire things like ghosts and bed time monsters were turned away as pure child fodder. Just a scary story that people tell their bad children to get them to behave. The girl shuddered to herself thinking back to the tale of the Baba-Yaga that she had heard so many times as a small child. Monsters were just something you didn't acknowledge.

A humming started to rumble across from her and the girl looked back up at the ghost who was now hovering closer to her; in fact she was inching closer. The tune she hummed was familiar and brought to mind the sounds of deep acoustic guitar and drum beatings and the girl knew she had heard it once before and knew it was something very dark. Something that passes between lips after night when the fall takes over the world and everything is maintained with an air of spooky allure. The woman was soon upon the girl and leant down to her ear. A chill unfurled in the girls spine and she braced herself for the jarring words she knew were about to come.

"She's going to pass from the world of the living...the girl. She's going to leave the mortal coil and become lost. A wanderer...she's going to become a lost soul."

The words chilled the girl down to her small little bones and she felt her jaw clench in concern.

"Who?"

The word was barely a whisper as it tried to slither out between her chattering teeth.

"The girl who your spirit is tethered to."

The woman pulled back and looked down upon the girl sullenly. She was making it clear she wished the words weren't true, but the righteous dead could tell no lies, just the ugly truth. A silent tear slipped down the girls face and she looked up at the spirit horrified.

"No...Rose can't die!"

It was no use arguing and the girl knew it. She had read the books before in the backs of the library on ghosts. She knew that even if there was a chance their prophecies could be changed, there was no use looking to them for help. They were but mere messengers.

"It is her fate, she is meant to become a lost one. The song of the dead began calling out her name the moment she first left our realm."

The spirit dissipated and lifted a hand in parting at Vasilisa who still looked at her with tear filled eyes.


	18. I Would Be Your Ghost

**I've been going mad trying to decide just how I wanted to word this chapter but I've settled quite nicely with this. This is the main conflict of the story now, what will drive the ending to happen, and uncovering why Rose has become like this. I want to thank those of you who have hung in tightly for this to all keep going and I'm trying hard to get this still rolling while juggling life stuff and I really think you guys will like how this plays out in the end. The song for this chapter is Little Love Caster by Laura Marling :)**

 **Dimitri POV**

The night was long and the meeting had made no real progress other than having to deal with the persistent pleas of Tasha who clung to me like a child. I was resolute in my denial for her offers but she still tried and tried to make me change my mind. She reasoned and begged and it chipped away at my resolve but it only hurt me with every dig. I knew how wrong it was that I was making romantic and albeit in only my mind; sexual advances towards Rose. I wanted Rose more than she could possibly ever know. I craved to feel the touch of her skin against mine. Soft and smooth with the tan silken shades that reminded me of the summertime. Tasha knew these facts very well and she played on them like a fiddle carved from the sulphur of the devils pits. Roza was everything there was to desire in a woman, but that was exactly my problem. She wasn't a woman, or at least not in the eyes of the law. Seven years in a future perspective say when she's passed legal age wasn't the big of a leap, but where she stood now it was a cavernous drop that scared me anytime I glimpsed it.

If I wasn't a better man I suppose I wouldn't be so bothered by it, but I was. I was a very detail orientated and proper man. I couldn't knowingly allow myself to sully her just because I was weak and wanted to give into my needs and that fact tore me apart. I would give her an inch in emotional closeness and she would push for the mile of everything else. I wanted to give her that mile so strongly my heart wanted to explode in my chest but I knew I couldn't. She wouldn't understand now, not when she's not even considering the consequences, but she would understand later when the time is right. When we could be face to face as adults and rationalize this. There's time to think about this, she's so young and I wouldn't let anything happen to her, all it will take is time and then we can make progress towards that mile.

No repercussions, no dangers, no terrifying insinuations. I would find a way to work around our guardianship with Lissa, even if it meant me finding someone else to guard but still have time away with her on vacations. I would give anything for that future to happen for us.

I just need time.

 **Rose POV**

I awoke alone in my bed with a startle jumping from a black void like sleep that sucked me in like a trauma victim looking for refugee. I regretted instantly that I'd been kicked from it's grasp and pulled my blankets tight around my body. I slowly pieced together everything that had happened that I could still remember. I had been in the tub...and there was drinking...and I was upset. My thoughts whirled into a muddled cluster and my brain panged in pain trying to focus my thoughts into something cohesive. Wasn't there someone else who was supposed to be here? How did I even get into the bed?

A gently click of the room's door momentarily panicked me but before I could get too emotionally worked up Adrian came sneaking softly into the bedroom until he noticed I was awake and looking right at him.

"So I see you're awake little dhampir."

His tone was awkward and unsure, a first for him. He was also so resolute and snake like in his repertoire of words. It was almost humanistic to see him acting out of character and made me feel more comfortable asking him what had happened to me.

"What...how did I get into bed?"

His awkwardness only increased as he wrung his hands together and he looked around the room at anything that wasn't me. I tried to focus again on my memories but it was no hope. I felt a heavy panic seize my body but I recognized quickly that it wasn't mine, it was Lissas. While Adrian stood in silence I took the moment to slip quickily into Lissa's mind to see what had her worried.

It seemed like a dream so I believed it to be so, even though it was much more vivid than usual. There was a ghostly woman at the foot of her bed and Lissa was trying to talk to her but I couldn't make out any words. It was almost like something was keeping me from knowing what was happening but it was just a dream, perhaps it was just how the dream was. Everyone else has unpredictable and unstable dreams, it's only me who can't change the pattern and clarity of mine.

"Rose...you almost killed yourself."

Adrians somber voice was now next to me and was softer than a feather whisping against my ear. I supposed I should have been shocked at his words, but I wasn't. I believed them because I knew deep inside of me they were true. It was all flooding back to me. I hadn't intentionally set out to die, it wasn't a mapped out floor plan that i'd traced down to the very steps and made the furtive moves. It was something that I wasn't opposed to though. Something that if it happened from circumstance, my spirit wouldn't protest. It would cry out and writher against the darkness screaming to take me back to the living.

For the longest time it felt like something that was...right. Now in the depressive I must escape kind of right, but in the I knew I just didn't belong with the living anymore kind of right. I'd never said it out loud. I'd never forced myself to think it. Not until this night. Not until I'd wondered what it would be like to be free of my mortal responsibilities. To know what it truly means to be free and do as I please. It was a dark and very wrong desire placed on top of a very right feeling. They cancelled each other out in theory, but in practice all I left behind was a mess.

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

My voice was barely above a whisper and I didn't make eye contact with him. I feared the judgement in his eyes because he knew my words were loaded. I was swinging a half cocked verbal revolver hoping that no one was an open target.

"You know that's generally not the kind of response that someone wants to hear. What you did...I was terrified Rose. I was fucking horrified. I thought...I smelled the blood and my world shrank to half it's size. I know you don't actually care about me and that's fine I've made my peace with that but do you really think it's fair to leave all your friends like that? They all love you and this would rip them to pieces. Please. Please promise me that you won't do that again. I can't..."

His words cracked and I didn't have to see his face to know he was on the verge of tears. Guilt was imminent and I tried to hold myself back from crying as well. I hadn't thought of it like that. I hadn't really made myself think of all the people I would be leaving behind. Would it really be worth my freedom? Would destroying their lives be worth that? God that would shatter Dimitri's world. I would wreck him and he was such a precious person to me. I knew Adrian was going to come over too and I was going to allow him to find my body. I was going to make him stare down and shake a corpse. Clasp onto a corpse to find a pulse, some remainder of life only to find nothing but a cold body starting to hit premature rigor mortis. This wasn't me. I didn't use to be this person. I used to be bright and full of an infectious reckless happiness that made other people forget their problems.

Dying had changed it though. I wasn't supposed to live in the car crash and I knew deep in my heart that I wasn't supposed to. Something came back with me, something dismal and bleak had latched on inside of me and came back with me. I could feel it crawling inside of my brain, making nests in my organs and slowly transforming me like a parasite. It felt like there was no escape from it.

"Rose...please...just look at me. Fuck. You don't even have to say anything. I know how hard this stuff is...believe me I really do know but I can't even read your reactions to know how you feel if you won't look at me. Give me this small solace, won't you?"

The pleading was awful, it was so defeated and half hearted I wanted to sob and let out the emotion tangling in my chest. I never even acknowledged how messed up this situation really was. I just kept avoiding and avoiding, never letting myself getting close to people when they tried. Always pushing them away, and being so secluded. I felt like a monster.

I looked up at his face only to see him looking back at me in fear.

 **Adrian POV**

I waited for her to look back me. I wanted to see her beautiful dark eyes even if they were filled to the brim with tears. I just wanted some kind of emotion from her that was real. Something that wasn't tainted or made with an ulterior intention. I wanted something from her that was human.

When we met eyes though, what I saw wasn't human.

When I saw her an acquired memory flicked to my mind and forecast itself on her face.

When the strigoi in her dream dropped her and I was pulled from her nightmare it was the last thing I saw.

Rose with her mouth crimson and sleek glaring back at me with dead eyes turning a red darker than her parting and laughing lips.


	19. Lover You Should Have Come Over

**Hey guys! Sorry for the lack of updates in so long! Life stuff came kicking my butt because of a new job but I am back with a new chapter! And hopefully another one or two this coming week, I haven't at all forgotten about it! Thank you to all the new followers and my old followers as well, you guys are fantastic and thank you for your patience!** **The song for this chapter is Lover You Should Have Come Over by Jeff Buckley.**

 **Adrian POV**

My blood ran cold as the visions flashed before my eyes. When it finally dissipated I found my eyes focusing on Rose's face who echoed back a look of fear at me. I recognized that I was probably giving her a look of pure horror and felt the guilt wash across me as I loosened my muscles. I couldn't begin to imagine what she probably thought I was thinking by giving her that look, and no matter what it would do nothing to improve the already tender situation.

 **Rose POV**

Adrian stared at me, his face even white than a ghost you'd see in a movie. Have I really become that much of a monster in everyone's eyes? I don't know how I let myself become this but I have to stop it somehow. With a much needed break I pulled my eyes away from Adrian and towards the blinds across from the bed. The last rays of sunlight where filtering away behind the horizon line and I knew that soon everyone would be waking up and roaming the resort once again. It terrified me to think it, but I needed to make this right to everyone. Most importantly though, I needed to make things right with Dimitri.

"Rose?"

Adrian's soft scared voice feel upon me as I slipped back out of my inner thoughts.

"Hmm?'

I felt like I was leaving a haze as I let out a gentle mumbled reply before bringing my eyes back to him. He was still sitting close to me looking at me with that same worry and sadness in his eyes.

"Are you okay? I mean...I know you're not actually OK but do you feel physically okay? Is there anything that I can get you? Maybe food or water? Please tell me what you need to feel...I don't know. To feel better? Stable? Anything that will just make you feel even just a tad better. I'm really worried."

The edge of hysteria bordered in his voice and I mentally hit myself for causing this to happen. I let myself fall apart for one moment and I nearly shattered the lives of so many people I care about. I knew I had to make it up to Adrian as well, just not now.

"There is something you can do and it's very important. Take me to Dimitri. I have to face up to this Adrian. I have to start fixing this."

He grimaced for a moment but then I felt his hand move over mine and just sit there for a moment.

"Okay."

He sounded pained but he gave me a gentle smile and headed towards the bedroom door.

"Go ahead and change clothes and get ready, i'll be out here having a smoke."

I nodded lightly and gave him a small smile in return as he closed the door behind him. Standing up was harder than I anticipated. My whole body was sore and it ached so terrible with every movement I made. I fought through it with all my strength though and shuffled through the pile of clothes I had on the floor next to my bags. I made no effort to put together a real outfit, just grabbing the first things I saw that were clean. I slide into a pair of black leggings and a dark blue sweatshirt that I had gotten from the Academy. Pausing for a moment I rolled the edge of the sweater between my hands and felt the soft plush of the cashmere lining between my finger tips. The color roused a memory in me of the vivid nightmare and the blue dress that brushes against my skin so sweetly with the wind. A shudder crawled up my spine and I pushed down the panic that tried to grip my mind. I couldn't let that nightmare keep haunting me, it wasn't real.

Walking out the bedroom door I slipped on my sneakers and glanced around for Adrian before seeing him rounding the corner out of the bathroom. My body froze as I remembered what happened in the bathroom just hours ago and I realized I couldn't hide from it. Before leaving the bedroom it all just seemed like it could have been another one of my bad dreams, but now I was face to face with the reality of it. I couldn't' keep running.

"I was just cleaning up...I left a lot of towels on the floor to soak up the last of the water on the tile so you don't slip the next time you're in there..."

He caught himself before rambling on again and made his way towards me grabbing me by the arm lightly and pulling me forwards towards the door to the hallway.

"Come on let's go."

It was still early enough that not too many people where out in the halls but there were still a decent amount so I pushed my messy hair down over my face so no one could tell I was just as much of a wreck. Thankfully Adrian knew all of the shortcuts around the building and made a swooping route straight to Dimitri's room in the guardian section. My heart slammed against my chest beating so hard, I only hoped he was by some chance still in his room. Adrian finally let go of his grip on my arm and knocked on the door standing half way in front of me. I was grateful for that because I was still mentally preparing myself of how to tell Dimitri. He's the only one who can ever scare me with his feelings. What if he turned his back on me for this?

"What could you possibly want?"

Dimitri appeared in the now open doorway glaring at Adrian before realizing that I was also with him. I stole a quick look up at him through the strands of my hair and saw the look on his face soften. It was then that he looked back up at Adrian and took a solid look at his state as well.

"What's happened? Is she okay?"

He was no longer looking at me but slightly accusing Adrian with a glare once more.

"She's..."

Adrian for once in his life failed to find his words. He flopped like a fish dragged from the sea and gasping for life. The panic started to tinge Dimitri's face and I felt a pang in my heart knowing I had to go through with this.

"I'm okay. I need to talk to you though. Please don't blame Adrian for this, he didn't cause this. He's here just to make sure I got safely to you."

Adrian stepped back at the sound of my voice allowing me to come a little closer to Dimitri. I looked back at him and he gave a nod before starting to walk away.

"You can do it little, Dhampir. I believe in you."

His words struck a small note of confidence and I was so grateful that he'd been there for me in my darkest times. I could feel Dimitri in front of me burning a hole through me with his gaze but I was terrified to turn towards him and look into those eyes. Those endless all knowing brown eyes that I loved so much. No one scared me this much. No one had ever gotten this close, no one had ever gotten this deep under my skin.

"Rose what is going on?"

I finally gulped back my fears and turned towards him but avoided looking him in the eyes. I wasn't ready for that just yet, not out here in the open where anyone could see. I couldn't let everyone see me have a breakdown. I've always been the strong one, no one else can know I'm so weak.

"Can I come in? I need to sit down for this."

My words were slightly jumbled and barely above a mumble but he moved back and opened the door all the way for me to come in. I walked forward into the dark room and started towards the chairs by the window area. It was almost exactly like my room. Which only made me panic once more when I glimpsed his bathroom door. Rationalizing with myself it didn't happen here, this isn't the same place. I can do this. Silently Dimitri walked in and sat in the chair opposite of me. We sat in the silence both waiting for the other one to make the first word but I was still mentally stuttering through the speech I was going to unfurl for him.

"Roza...please tell me what is going on."

The nickname hit me like a baseball bat and I was glad I was in a chair or i'd of knocked myself right over onto the floor. His voice was softer than velvet and I knew I was ready for the most part.

"Dimitri I need to...tell you about something that happened last night. Please don't judge me for it, I wasn't thinking and I let myself get carried away and I'm so afraid to tell you about this it's eating me up just sitting here thinking about it and how you might feel about me after I tell you and..."

My words were jumping from my tongue faster than I could produce them and I felt tears crawling upon me but I tried to hold on strong.

"Roza I would never ever judge you for anything you'd ever tell me. I am here for you and I always will be please don't ever doubt that. No matter what ever happens, I will always be here to catch you Roza."

 **Dimitri POV**

She was scaring me. I'd fought countless strigoi in battles and watched my fellow guardians die. I'd seen the light leave anothers eyes as their necks were snapped with a brunt force. I'd felt my own neck come close to that same fate. None of that compared to this moment though. Nothing scared me as much as the look on her face as she tried desperately to hide from me. Her frizzled hair kept her from me, a human like shield that she clung to. Anything that she could put between us she was trying to lately and nothing worried me more than what was happening to her behind those barriers. I loved her so fiercely it made my hands shake and my legs quiver. If she was hurting, then I was hurting. I waited with baited breathe for her to finally say something that made sense. To say anything that might calm my nerves about this moment. How bad could it possible be if she's still here and in one piece before me? I watched her shuffle in her seat in front of me and held myself back from falling at her knees on the floor.

"I got really upset last night and I made some bad decisions. Like colossally bad ideas. Well that weren't really ideas, that was the problem with them. I just did them without thinking and I went back to my room and I started drinking a bit. A good bit more than just a bit actually..."

I wanted to swoop in on her and tell her how upset I was at her for drinking but I could hear her voice shaking as she paused and knew that it wasn't the time for that. This wasn't the scary stuff. This wasn't what she was afraid to tell me. I couldn't scare her when she's baring her very soul to me. She inhaled deeply and I could see her preparing herself for a large wind just to get it all out and over with.

"So I was drinking and I went to draw a bath and I kept drinking until I was pretty drunk and then I got into the bath and just started thinking a lot and letting stupid things get to me that I probably shouldn't. I keep this razor blade under my shampoo bottle in the tub. No one knows except for Adrian and he only found out by accident and I kind of down played it. I even downplayed it to myself you know? Told myself that I wasn't going to keep doing it, that it was just a curious one time event. Lissa always said that it just made the pain on your insides go away for a while if you made the pain happen on the outside and that's all I wanted Dimitri. I wanted the pain to stop just for a little bit. I wanted to feel numb to everything that's been happening. I thought maybe that if I cut a little bit more...a little bit deeper...the pain on the inside would stay away a little bit longer. It did for a while. It worked too well though...I think I lost too much blood and I sort of faded out of it. I don't remember much of what came next. According to Adrian I was barely floating above the water enough to breathe..."

My breath caught as I processed the words she was telling me. I could feel my heart stop for just a moment as I held my entire body still. There fear inside of me only tripled. The very thought of losing her pounded inside my brain and I could only image her lying there motionless in the bathtub bleeding everywhere. Her eyes hollow and empty. If she'd of slipped under that water and drowned. Her skin pallid and her eyes glazed over with a morbid white from her body starting to decay. My body didn't move but I could feel the tears spilling from my eyes with no sound. She pulled her hair back from her face and finally looked me dead in the eyes before rolling up her sleeve and showing me the angry red open welts on her arm. I started breathing again finally as I saw stars starting to swarm the corners of my vision.

No words would ever be enough to verbalize how I felt. I stood from my chair and walked towards her before falling to my knees at her. My hand reached up and danced lightly over the wounds until I noticed her twinge in pain from the touch. Instead I moved to grab her hands in mine. Her hands were sweaty and warm and I almost sobbed out so happy they weren't icy and lifeless. I couldn't bare that. I brought my lips to the back of her hands and one at a time kissed them both for a long moment. My breathing was heavy and I was holding back so much emotion I thought I might collapse from the weight. I lulled my head down against her legs and just felt myself slowly collapse against her and into her lap. I could hear her heart beat slamming like a jack rabbit in my ear from her inner thigh. The tears kept spilling but for this moment it was just in sheer happiness that she still had a heart beat for me to hear.

"Roza I love you so much. So very much I fear that I would have to die if you died. You give my life so much meaning that I have never had before. Please don't ever hurt yourself again. I was wrong for turning you away last night and nothing will ever make up for that but I will never turn you away again, I don't care what anyone may think. It's not worth losing you. You don't have to fight this on your own, you have so many of us here for you that want to help you with whatever is going on with you. Don't keep us out. My darling lovely Roza..."

It was all that I could muster. It was all that I could possible think to say. And I meant every word with my life. I would give everything to keep her safe even if that meant keeping her safe from herself. I would never let her go. My eyes were closed and I listened to her heart beat beating away underneath me and felt her hands still clasped with mine not even daring to move.

"I love you too Dimitri. I'm so sorry. I know words alone can't really be a big enough sorry for this but I want to get better. I want to make up for this. I want to be the old me. I don't want to be this...lost soul anymore."


	20. Say You'll Catch Me When I Fall

_Ack! I have returned and I'm going to be posting two chapters to atone for my absence! I just want to thank all of you amazing readers for hanging in there with me! This one is a bit short it's just to show the repair in Rose and Dimitri's relationship. The end is nearing in on us and I know it will be a wild one. The song for this chapter is Wings by HURTS :)_

 **Rose POV**

For so long I had grown to doubt everything in my life. From the foot steps I took to the breaths I would take, there was only doubt. Nothing was concrete, nothing was set in stone. Everything was flimsy and see through. It was like watching the world through a thick fog and seeing someone else pilot my body. A disconnect so strong I didn't think it was even real life happening around me. This moment though was so real. I could smell his heavy cologne like musky woods and spices rush through my nostrils. I could feel the brush of his light stubble rubbing against my cheeks as he moved in, hesitant to be too rough with me. My hands fidgeted in my lap as I mentally questioned myself if I should reach them up and touch him. When our lips finally connected I pushed them upwards towards his chest and rested them firmly against it. His body was so warm and burning against the cool of my shaking unsteady hands. For that moment of us together and solid as one I couldn't even remember why I was here, all the negative no longer phased me. I didn't even think of what had happened to me last night or the awful mistakes I had made,

His cheeks felt wet still from his silent tears and I'm sure mine were just as slick from makeup and my own crying. I didn't want to cry anymore though, I just wanted to accept this feeling back into my life. All the worry and the fear melted away when I was back in Dimitri's arms. Things may not make sense anymore in my life, but he was the one thing that was constant and there behind me to catch my fall. He was just waiting for me to let him catch me.

In between our slow gentle kisses I heard him whisper my name like a prayer across his lips and I felt my chest tighten in pure bliss.

I want this moment to last forever.

 **Lissa POV**

There's a lot of things in this world that aren't understood. A huge proclivity in most peoples lives is figuring out the answers to the unknown. It's a tempting task at that; we crave the adventure and mystery that the unknown offers. You'd think that being a creature whose not even human you'd stop questioning the validity of things beyond our realm. I can't stop though. It nags at me in my sleep and hides around the corners of my every move. So many things are frowned upon in our community that you wouldn't expect to be. We live in a world consumed with the need for blood to survive and yet it's only a childhood tale that ghosts are real. I would be locked away like a loon if I ever came out about seeing these things. Yet nothing can stop me from dragging myself down into the pits of folklore to find out if i'm really going crazy or not.

I want to be able to pretend it doesn't happen, to go back into a la-la dream land where these spirits linger around our world and someone see me as a beacon for them. I can't do that though. I can't ignore the warning I've received. That woman was so real and so serious when she came to me the other night. She was so desperate to let me know that Rose was in danger and that something wanted to take her to the other side. I couldn't turn a blind eye and let that happen if this was real, I am damn sure not going to let anyone take Rose from us.

 **Dimitri POV**

We stayed close together for long enough that I'd lost track of the time. From the glow of the moon baring down on us from the windows though I knew it was long past the start of the vampire day though and soon people would be looking for us both. As much as it pained me to part from her I shifted up on my feet and extended my hand down towards her.

"We need to get you to the staff nurse to be checked out. You might be fine but I'm not taking any chances, what happened was really rough and I'm not taking any chances."

I held my voice firm to assert that she wasn't going to get out of it and she grimaced at me giving me her biggest pout. I broke my tight look and laughed very softly to myself looking back at her through my strands of hair. She looked worse than I'd ever seen her but the smile in her eyes gave me hope that she would pull back through finally. I missed that glimmer so much. That spark of fire in her eyes that meant I might just have the woman I loved back once more.

"I suppose there's no use in me arguing that?"

Struggling to stand up on her feet I could tell she was having some trouble moving and it solidified my point even more. She saw the questioning look on my face and gave an exasperated sigh.

"Alright..alright...you might be right. I am a bit worse for wear at the moment it wouldn't hurt."

We walked out into the hallway and I struggled to keep myself from holding her hand, but instead just kept her very close to my side almost acting like a human shield for her. My protective nature was only multiplied when it came to my Roza. Not too many students were in the halls and a quick glance outside assured me that they were all mostly out on the slopes and playing in the snow. A few guardians passed us on our walk but none stopped to chat, simply giving each other the respective head nod and keeping on our own paths. The nurse station was two floors down on the main level and I could feel Roza clinging against my side and I knew she wasn't ready to come face to face with anyone. I prayed silently to myself for her sake we wouldn't run into anyone just yet.

My lips still tingled in a burn from our long kisses and I struggled to maintain my cool exterior look and demeanor. As the nurse took her arm and lead her from me to the medical chair I watched her and examined her as the nurse did.

"Not feeling well today Miss Hathaway?"

The woman secured the blood pressure wrap around her arm as she sat still as a stone and glanced at me worriedly.

"She's been feeling extremely under the weather, we're worried she may be dehydrated and have some low sugar issues."

Nodding at me the nurse continued her small test and scans of Rose. I felt myself wanting to fidget waiting for her to give feedback on how she was. I wasn't the type to show my nervousness though and buried it deep in my emotional reserve.

"Well dehydration is definitely a possibility. You also seem to be a good bit on the low side with your blood pressure dear. I'm going to get you set up with a liquid drip for rehydration for a few moments so you can get back to a good level, it seems severe enough that your body isn't healing up quick enough. Nothing to fret about though, a good fifteen minutes on it and then lots of rest and you should be back up and on your feet in no time."

We both breathed a sigh of heavy relief and I finally settled into the chair across from Rose while the nurse shuffled out for the IV.

You really know how to out do yourself Roza."

The statement came out as mostly a whisper but I couldn't contain a nervous laugh at the end. Resting my face against my propped up hand I looked at her face and searched it for any trace of pain still. She looked back me puzzled, but with an endearing look full of pure love. Deep underneath the love though I could still see that pain buried in there. It was heartbreaking to know it was something just beyond my reach but she was no longer far away like she was before. She wasn't entirely beyond my grasp. She was somewhere close to me, within my reach and I knew I could hold her body and it wouldn't be merely a shell holding me in return.

"I've missed you so much. I know that sounds strange because we've been in the same place...but I've missed you. I missed this strange closeness between us. More so I'm sorry that I worried you like this. I'm just so afraid Dimitri and I'm not even sure why. There's just this feeling...that something bad is going to happening lingering over me. Like this terrible menacing cloud is hanging above my head and I worry if anyone gets too close lightning will strike them. I couldn't bare it if that lightning hit you."

It was unexpected. It was beyond my realm of thought. I had never thought it was because she wanted to protect me. The thought that always stuck in my mind was that she was trying to protect herself and that's why I wasn't allowed in. Entirely rational thinking, but also entirely selfish of myself to think that.

"You don't have to worry about me Roza. Never worry that I'm the one in danger. I will always be here to catch you no matter what the price is."

The words fell heavy between us but we both felt the bond between us strengthen and I no longer felt the worry that she would push me away anymore. She was safe and she was here. She was allowing me to be there for her and that's all I really wanted. No one could harm her with me there to watch her back.


	21. Kingdom

_Tensions are rising and things are only looking more concerning...just how will things finally play out? Song for the chapter is Castle by Halsey!_

 **Third POV**

Word was spreading like wild fire among the guardians that another attack was going to happen. This time the threats had been made on the ski lodge and disaster was looking eminent if everyone wasn't moved quickly from the location. Rumors that the strigoi's attack group had doubled their numbers had the leaders in a panic.

"We need to get all the students on a flight immediately. We still have some time up on them, the word is that they won't make their strike until tomorrow night. That is more than enough time to get them out of here! If we use the private jets no one will even know that we're vacating!"

Shouting was erupting from dozens of people in the back office that was now filled with all of the school officials and guardians.

"But where will we take them?"

"We'll have to go back to the school, it's obviously not safe here anymore! We have enough protection back there if not more than we have here."

"If we have to fight it might as well be on our own soil!"

The voices were rising in volume and Principle Kirova was clicking her heels on their backs trying to make a rushed but appropriate choice. As she brooded behind the desk in the office the voices continued fighting and chattering.

"Alright."

She cleared her voice and prompted their attention but they were still all too caught up in their own conversations.

"QUIET!"

Her voice boomed with a thunderous echo against the walls and the room finally fell silent. Everyone shuffled back into their appropriate standings and looked towards her eagerly for their next actions.

"It is obvious that we will no longer be safe in this area and I believe we can all agree to that. Evacuation is the only proper route for us to ensure the safety of the children and I want someone to get in touch with the private jets and get them ready to leave before this night is over. We will put out the urgent alert after this meeting ends to have the children gather their things and prepare for the flights. Since there is no where we can immediately secure, we will return to the school. The safe guards have been worked on while we have been here and I fully entrust that we will be safe once more back on the grounds. Everyone got it?"

Everyone nodded their heads and gave sturdy verbal responses in understanding.

"Good now get me those jets and get me students packed and ready to go!"

There was practically a flood of high energy as everyone rushed out to get out the door all at once. No one was quite prepared for the fear and worry it was going to incite across the students as well.

 **Dimitri POV**

Rose was slopped into her chair hooked up to the IV drip when another guardian named Scott came into the room with a soft knock and let us know the news of evacuation.

"We have to leave tonight, is she going to be okay and ready for travel?"

After a moment conversing with the nurse Rose was cleared for the evacuation but wasn't quite ready for being unhooked from her IV just yet.

"Do you want me to just go and gather your things and bring them back here?"

Rose gave a simple nod and passed me the key card to her room and I glanced at her once more before making me way out and to the hallways. Students were everywhere rushing to and from rooms all whispering to each other no doubt gossiping about what was going on. Some looked terrified and some looked more or less apathetic to the whole affair. Teenagers will never make sense to me no matter how hard I try. In no time I was back at her room and flung the door open before realizing I was slightly in soldier mode.

"Hey watch how hard you're pushing that! You trying to bust a hole in the wall there big bad?"

The voice caught me off guard and I flinched back into fight mode for a moment before recognizing the disheveled form of Adrian Ivashkov on the bathroom floor just inside the room. He was holding a small pile of wet rags in his arms and had a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"Is there a reason why you're in here Mr. Ivashkov? I can't imagine there's much of a good one with all the trouble you like to cause."

He smirked up at me and jumped up to his feet taking the rags past me and throwing them into a laundry bin in the living room.

"Do you really think so little of me Belikov? Tsk tsk and here I was just trying to do a good deed for a friend. You really gotta work on those trust issues you got there."

He was snarky as ever but then I remembered what he did for Rose and I felt a sting of guilt coursing through me. He was there for her when I couldn't be and kept her safe. I shouldn't be so harsh but it was second nature. The Ivashkov's nature preceded them just like their reputation and I still felt an unsure worry about his motives with Rose. Most people I'm sure would chalk it up to jealousy though.

" Spill it Ivashkov. Why are you here?"

He glanced away from me and back towards the bathroom which was still wet on the floor despite his attempts to wipe it up. Taking a long drag on his cigarette he crossed his arms and looked back at me with a look that seeped exhaustion. It was obvious he'd gotten no sleep at all and was running on pure fumes.

"I was cleaning up the bathroom. I threw some rags on the floor to soak up the water from the tub over flowing and I wanted to clean them up before Rose got back so...well so she wouldn't see the mess and remind herself about what happened. I told you, I was just trying to do a good deed."

His voice was solemn and quiet and the guilt definitely didn't move from inside me realizing he was just trying to look out for Rose. He really did care about her as well.

"Is...is she okay?"

This time his voice came out barely above a whisper and he looked at me with needy eyes that demanded a positive answer.

"She's fine they have her on an IV drip to get her fluids back up and then it should only take some rest for her to be feeling better. Physically, at least. Ivashkov..."

His mood shifted entirely after hearing that she was okay and his arms relaxed in their hold on himself.

"I just want to say thank you for watching out for her. I don't entirely trust you, but it means the world to me to know that she wasn't alone and that someone was here to make sure she didn't get to go through with anything. I know you care about her too and while I will admit I do not give any acceptance on your friendship, I am glad to know there's another watching her back with me."

Nodding at me knowingly he made his way towards the door back out to the hallway.

"Don't get too soft on me there Belikov, the fight isn't over just yet. We're not out of the woods with the danger."

Slamming the door behind him I almost darted forwards to catch him. What did he mean with that? Simply because of Rose's mental state? There was almost something ominous about the way he said it. Like he knew something that I didn't know about. There was still a missing piece to this puzzle that I didn't know and no one was telling me. As I threw together the bags of Rose's clothes and items I found myself growing more frustrated about what Ivashkov had said. Glancing at my watch I found nearly an hour had already passed and we had only a few more left to get onto the flight back to the school. Someone is going to have to tell me just what the hell is going on.

 **Rose POV**

I fussed with the needle in my arm itching at the edges. I just couldn't settle in my seat since hearing the news. The bad feeling dug into my skin and I just knew it was coming. Whatever was going to happen was coming and it was coming real soon. I tried to steady my breathing so I wouldn't betray my outside appearance. I couldn't let Dimitri know that I was panicking or it would set off some sort of alarm that I knew something was going on. No one mentioned to me just why we were evacuating so quickly but you would have to be blind not to know. They were coming and they wanted even more blood. The glazed eyes and the dark sticky pools flittered through my mind and all I could think of what the crime scene at that house. A horrible mix of my own nightmares and the real memories of those bodies escalated my emotions with every second.

Was there a reason Adrian was so upset by my dream? I know he was there and saw it. I could feel it was really him. The atmosphere was different but I couldn't see him. I knew he was there last night in it though, I could feel his presence behind the shadows. He seemed so unnerved and floored by whatever he saw but he tried to keep me calm and make it seem like it was nothing. I couldn't believe that it was just nothing though. Not with how real it felt. The sickening feeling of that strigoi's hand wrapped tightly around my throat. Glaring down into his maroon ringed eyes while I gasped for breath. The mental sound of my neck being snapped with a visceral sound so loud it radiated through my brain.

I couldn't let it win. There was no way in hell I would come out of this without my fists swinging and me protecting everyone I love. If push comes to shove and the dream is real I know I have to make sure I change the ending.


End file.
